Grumpy Techs

Wow. “Internet Access and Corporate Decisions.” Those are two phrases that, when combined, can make one hell of an oxymoron. Not because the former isn’t cool but the latter generally isn’t, especially when rash decisions are usually made without any kind of beta testing, “systems development lifecyle” plans discussed, etc. (Wait a sec; isn’t that what Corporate America’s all about? Oh, yeah.) I mean, is it really a smart move to fly to Washington D.C. in a corporate jet and beg for a $45 billion bailout package? I’m disgressing again.

A decision was made to filter Internet access by providing unfettered access to a small group of individuals (myself included, of course. Gotta ensure I can get to porn but others can’t. All about testing, baby.) while restricted access to the “general population.” Should we test it out first after hours and on weekends and ensure it truly works before deploying it or should we attempt it in the middle of the day with limited FYI’s and really piss everyone off? You guessed it; the latter ensued.

Oh, but wait. While doing this, let’s screw up the documentation by leaving out pertinent information such as how to handle the SSL certificates (“wait a sec! WTF is an ‘SSL certificate’???” mindless endusers ask.) as well as ensuring the pop-up blockers are disabled for the filter’s IP address so that the little timeout/logout window will launch, allowing everyone access! Oh, yeah, we forgot that HAS to take place. But, no, we left that part out of the documentation along with not documenting the process for those using PC’s (did I mention we’re primarily a Mac shop but we do have “some” PC’s “laying around.” “Only” about 150 or so.) “Screw the PC users. You suck!” (at least, that’s the mentalilty here. Give me a Linux distro over both anyday.)

So, here we are: rolled out this authentication process, left out documentation for the “uncool” browser, i.e. IE i.e, didn’t even mention a how-to for the PC side of the house and, best part is: in the middle of the workday! ROCK ON!!!

Here’s the kicker: the corporate execs are suffering just as badly as everyone else (except me, of course). The irony: it was THEIR decision to roll this out in the first place. The pending decision: “just turn the fucking thing off!”

Finally, guess who’s gonna save the day? Yours truly. Why? Because I can flip a switch to make all this go away. And when Corporate begs me to do that, I will. I’ll just make sure someone hands me a bottle of wine before doing so.

And that, my friends, is how you manage to sink employee morale within a 24 to 48 hour period while looking bad in their eyes.

It’s inevitable. Every Grumpy Tech can relate with this one. You’re minding your own business coding a website or draining a MacBook that someone dumped Coke all over (“D00d, that thing’s been COKE-D!”) when someone comes up behind you and in a loud voice says “I NEED HELP WITH MY HOME NETWORK!!” Granted, the two of you are currently at work, right? Let’s just get that straight. You’re not at this person’s house and you don’t know anything about their network there. For all you know, some monkey could have come along with pieced it together with Cat3 and Zipties. (actually, I do find the latter pretty cool). That being said, there’s a good chance you DON’T know anything about THEIR home network. But, again, I digress.

So this person is demanding advice about THEIR network. Here’s how the conversation might go:

Enduser (duh): “I NEED HELP WITH MY HOME NETWORK!!!”

Me: “Okay, what’s up?” :::sigh::: I know, I was in a good mood.

Enduser: (more calmly now that they don’t think I’m gonna make them feel stupid.) “Well, if I want to send an email out in the middle of an ice storm because the telephone is down and the closest cell tower fell, will I able to do that?”

Me: “You’re asking me if you’ll be able to send an email during an ice storm through an Internet connection that isn’t maintained by me but, instead, by Ma Bell or the ‘cable people’?”

Enduser: “Well, yeah.”

Me: :::sighing::: “Again, you’re asking me if you’ll be able to send an email during an ice storm through YOUR Internet connection that isn’t maintained by me but, instead, by Ma Bell or the ‘cable people’?”

Enduser: “Are we having a communication problem here? I said, YES!!!!”

Me: :::giggling to myself now::: “Okay, let me ask you something. How would I know if YOUR Internet connection is up or not. Am I going to be at your house 24/7 and watching your modem lights go blinky-blink?”

(crickets chirping)

Enduser: “Ummm, well, I guess that wouldn’t be…ummm….I guess not.”

Me: (gently) “No, I’m sorry but I won’t be there. I would suggest, perhaps, calling your Internet provider and asking them if they’ll know if you’ll have your Internet connection in the middle of an ice storm.”

Enduser: :::smiling widely::: “Hey, thanks! That’s a great idea. Thanks a lot!”

And that, my friends, is how a Grumpy Tech gets the big bucks.

Porn. Money. Facebook. Whatever. It really doesn’t matter to me what you’re looking at or what you WANNA look at on the Interwebz while at work. Sure, I can easily see what you’re looking at but I’m too busy checking out porn…er…*testing* the content filter to ensure porn isn’t getting through. Ahem. I’m sorry, I digress.

That being said, let me explain to you, Dear Enduser, *why* it’s really not *me* blocking you from that latest new Web 2.0 messaging site that was heavily developed in Ajax and Flash. You see, our content filter deemed it as “inappropriate,”; not me. Hell, I might want to check it out too. (Actually, I did and, trust me, it ain’t all that.) But, the content filter, you see, *doesn’t* have a brain, much to its chagrin (so sorry to insult you, Mr. Content Filter, but you really don’t.) Sooo, that being said, it’s not *me* blocking the site. If we can get that straight, perhaps you’ll understand and quit blaming me why you can’t get to your porn and “cool sites” on company time.

(But if you ever come across anymore of them, please let me know!)

I really should get back to my porn….damnit!….er…work now.

Today was the day to put on my “I’m the Printer D00d!” hat just when I thought I could get away with holing up at my desk and focusing on a “really important” project (well, I thought it was cool). Nah, I should be so lucky.

Enduser: “Hey, ummm, tech guy.”

Me: “clickety-clickety-clickety. ‘Did I hear something?’”

Enduser: :::tapping foot::: “HEY, YOU!!!”

Me: :::looks around::: “Good morning!” (very sweetly!) “May I help you?”

Enduser: “This printer isn’t working. I sent a print job to it but nothing came out. Why does it work for other people but not me?”

Me: (clearly wanting to say something like “Maybe it’s because you haven’t given it chocolate!” but I refrain.) “Let me take a look.” :::looking at the LCD screen which clearly reads ‘Load paper in tray 1.’ “Hmmm, I think it’s outta paper.”

Enduser: “Good grief, how much paper do we go through here??” (totally ignoring the fact that the printer is out of paper) :::embarrassed look on face::: “I guess I should make sure it has paper in it next time.”

Me: “Okies, well, have a nice day!” :::clickety-clickety:::

Enduser: “Hey, where’s the paper?”

Me: “Downstairs.” :::cell phone rings, thx to another Grumpy Tech I sent an email to and asked him to call me::: “Oops, Batphone. Gotta run. Have a nice day!!”

Enduser: :::left dumbfounded:::

I know I should grin just a little as I walk away but I couldn’t help it.

We have arrived. Those of us who are underappreciated, underpaid, overworked and expected to fix anything from 20-year-old Executone PBX systems to Sun SPARC Enterprise M9000 servers (at the same time, mind you) may rest in peace (are we dead??) knowing this is a place of anonymous solitude where we may share our stories of IT support chagrin and laugh and feel each others’ pain.

So, feel free to submit a grump to us. If we like (and we probably will) we’ll gladly add it to the site, anonymously or not (your choice!)