Grumpy Techs

Considering I’m *still* at “work” I figured I might as well do something productive.  After all, it’s a very nice Sunday evening with nothing but clear skys (I can just barely see them from the window).

So, immediately following the “setting up of the wolves” gathering, I was tasked to actually attend a critique meeting.  The meeting’s lead was pretty cool, probably because he doesn’t work for my employer and, since he has nothing to do with technology, i.e. doesn’t work in the field, he knew which questions to ask and which ones not, probably thinking the latter would make him appear stupid or ignorant (he’d be right, of course.)

The meeting followed with another meeting but I was asked to remain at my “post” “just in case something happens.”  So, while sitting at my desk, working on some routine server work (I know, I know; I actually broke down and did some “real work.” ::hanging head in shame::), someone walked by and asked me to clean up the copier room to make a good impression.  Not.  Kidding.  It was at that moment, I said to let me fire off a quick email, which I did, actually to my cell phone which promptly started to buzz.  I answered it and talked to dead air:  “Oh, yeah, I’ll be right down.”  I told the “princess” that I needed to address a problem on a server but perhaps the cleaning crew could take care of straightening up the copier room.

After that, I leave to attend the “reception” that my employer had to further impress the wolves.  I managed to get one sip of distilled water in before being summoned to get one of the wolves back on the Internet.  Needless to say, I had to do without eating dinner as I wasn’t invited to the “big wig” dinner although I was summoned to sit just outside the conference room while listening to laughter from inside from all the wine the wolves consumed at their dinner.  Think I’ll ask them to save me a bottle next time my evening is ruined.

Oh, I think I’m being called again.  Where’d I put my headphones?

I was tasked to come in today (Sunday) because a bunch of other companies within the same industry as my employer came in to critique my employer.  Without going into too many details (gotta protect the innocent and…myself) let’s just say that this type of thing happens every five years or so and then again every 10 years.  Considering the “big boss” is very new at the job, everyone’s a mess and in shambles because they must think those on the critiquing board have golden penises and vaginas or something.  I simply look at it as we all put our pants on the same way to cover our golden penis or vagina (“and/or”?  We won’t go there.)

So, these people are all sitting around the conference room table (did I mention that we spent $30k on that table because the last one was “chipped”?  Oh, and, by the way, we’re a “non-profit.”) with their laptops open just patiently waiting for me to come around and authenticate their laptops to the wireless network along with giving them access to one of our printers.  While I’m doing that, the questions and comments fly:

“Can we please get some power strips because I only have four hours of power on my battery?”

“Why didn’t you put an electrical outlet right there? ::pointing:: That’s what I would have done if this were my XXXXXX.”

“What do you mean you can’t give me access to let me listen to iTunes.  I gotta have my music!!! [to this I thought, "aren't you supposed to be meeting here?"]

“Excuse me.  EXCUUUUUSE ME!!!!  ::snapping fingers:: It’s IMPERATIVE I get on next!!! I have to send an important email!! [found out later the "important email" was to his wife asking her what kind of wine to take back home with him.]

“You don’t know my tech support person’s administrative password?  Why not?  Can you call him right now and get it? [first of all, this is a Sunday afternoon.  Second of all, I *really* don't think your IT department is going to give *me* *their* admin password.]

So I got them all settled and abruptly made my exit when who, all of a sudden, bumps into me but my curmudgeon coworker who promptly asks me if I remembered that we were to be here to get everyone all set up.  “First of all, I’m not your “bitch” and second of all, if I hit you in the face, would you sue me for age discrimination because I’ve kicked an old man’s ass?”

Instead, I think I’ll just automatically forward the group’s shared account credentials to point to Barney the Dinosaur’s website whenever they try to access the Internet.  Much more entertaining.

Today I was in the midst of working on deploying an Crapple Software Update Server (SUS if you really need me to tell you that), along with setting up an Crapple Task Server and, oh, just so Microsloth doesn’t feel left out, adding a 2008 Server to use as a domain controller to our VM environment.  Needless to say, it was a pretty busy day, especially up to the point when I got this phone call.

Ignorant Junior Techie (IJT):  “I need help with a bunch of computers in my area.”

Me:  “What’s going on?”

IJT: “Well, I want them all to go to the same homepage in Foxfire [sic].  Is there an easy way for me to do this without touching each one at a time?”

Me: “Well, we might be able to deploy a group policy with a script that would automagically set the homepage but I’m a little busy today so I really can’t get to it before next week.”

IJT: “That’s unacceptable.  I need it done today.  Thousands of people are depending on this!!”

Me:  “How many computers are we talking about?”

IJT: “Ummm…[meekly]…10?  Is this something I can do myself?”

Me: “You want me to spend an hour or two working on a group policy to automatically set the homepage for 10 computers so that ‘thousands’ of users will have consistent access?”

IJT: “Ummmm….well, I guess it can wait.”

Me: “Sure it can.  I’ll get back to you *next month.*”

IJT: “Next mo…….”

:::click:::

(Damn VoIP.  It’s never reliable when you “need” it to be.)

I guess I’m now in charge of the 10 year old LCD projectors that happen to lie around our company too. I really thought there was A/V person who handled all the equipment but apparently not. So, sure, I’ll take care of that too! (and the copiers and the phone system and cleaning out the recycling bins and replenishing the paper towel dispensers and…)

One of the “higher ups” came to me today and asked me if I knew where the remote control was to a particular projector she had to use for a “big presentation of utmost importance.” (:::sigh::: Aren’t they all?) I mentioned to her that I have no idea where it could have gone to which I received a big “WHY NOT???” I calmly mentioned that we simply don’t have the resources to post security personnel near every little piece of electronic componentry we have, however, we could, perhaps, hire a security company with roaming K-9′s if that would eliminate these types of catastrophes. (No, I didn’t.) She actually asked me to “go find her a remote,” to which I responded that that particular projector is the only kind we have and that I might have to special order it since they don’t make it anymore. And because THAT wasn’t good enough, I was met with a “I need you to go to Best Buy and purchase one and you have exactly 30 minutes to do so. Now, bear in mind that this “princess” came from one of the largest corporations in the region. I don’t know if she was fired or what but I sure wish someone would tell her that this isn’t the place to “move one’s cheese” nor “drink the Kool-Aid.” That being said, I merely chuckled and said that I don’t think Best Buy sells remotes for 10 year old projectors (sure they do; they’re called “universal remotes” but I wasn’t about to clue her in on that.) and that I’d look into ordering one for her tomorrow. With that, she huffed off looking for my supervisor.

I guess she missed her presentation. I wonder how the attendees felt about that.

Bosses. Most of us have at least one. Those of us that have more than one (present company included), probably wish they don’t have any. Those of us that don’t have a boss are probably better off being their own boss (again, present company included, although I have a boss [or more than one depending on the time of day]). For those of us that have a boss who’s not a moron and appreciates and understands your work, good on ya. For those of us who have a boss who doesn’t understand what we do so they leave you alone, that’s probably the most awesome thing. Okay, this is starting to get “positive” so enough of that.

I have a boss who is fairly nice but talks to my co grumpy tech and me like we’re a couple of little kids who sit around and play World of Warcraft all day long. I’m not five years old. I don’t need to go to the bathroom and I don’t need to wash my hands before I eat dinner. If I’m pissed off about something that caused me to work on something that shouldn’t have had a problem in the first place or if I need him to focus on what I’m trying to explain in layman’s terms because of his severe lack of technical acumen, quit making Barney jokes (seriously) and listen to what I’m saying. Reminded me of this conversation:

Me: “We’re going to begin upgrading our wireless architecture to 802.11n in order to allow more clients access as well as a higher level of speed. This should positively increase the user experience and allow more efficiency.”

Boss: “That’s great! Does ‘N’ stand for ‘new’ then? Because that would be really ‘neat’!!!” *stupid laugh*

Me: *sigh* “No, it’s the next letter that the IEEE simply chose for their next protocol. We’ll be moving from 802.11g to 802.11n. I’m hoping for minimal downtime, of course.”

Boss: “That’s great! [yes, the boss always starts his sentences with 'That's great.'] Sooo, we’re going from ‘g’ which stood for ‘great,’ right to ‘n’ which stands for ‘neat.’ Which is better here; ‘great’ or ‘neat’?”

Me: *sighing obviously now* “I really need you to focus. It doesn’t matter how the letters work. ‘N’ is better than ‘g’ because it’s faster, more secure and allows a larger number of users on it, increasing efficiency and productivity. Can we focus here?”

Boss: *craning neck* “Oh, look! Is that a bluejay outside?”

This entire conversation made me realize at that particular moment that the boss either: has an affiliation with Barney the Dinosaur or, has a severe case of ADD or, finally, has managed to snow everyone with his display of “knowledge.” I prefer to think the first reason is it.