Grumpy Techs

Always thankful to get submissions from our readers. Here’s a number of plugs from Kaz we’re sure you’ll find amusing and possibly even relate to.  Never ceases to amaze me how these “big bosses” get into their positions.

*December Staff Meeting*
BigVP: We need to get more involved with getting our message out through social media. We will be leaning on Kaz and his expertise over the past 2 years.

*January Staff Meeting*
BigVP: Yep, Kaz will be our goto guy for social media.

*March*
Co-Worker: Did you reserve the company name on Twitter and not the guy we just fired?

Kaz: Yea because based on the discussions in January I thought I would be heading that up as the ‘go-to’ guy for social media.

*April 15*
BigVP: I want co-worker to handle all twitter posts so could you send her the login?

Yea, nice follow through there with your go-to guy. Not to mention that when co-worker comes to me asking for advice my response will be, “Don’t you know since you are handling it?” *snark*

Now this sounds oddly familiar.  I mean, you’re the “go-to guy.”  *Of course* you’re gonna help the newbie who probably commands a higher salary and “respect” even though that person obviously doesn’t have a clue to to wipe his or her ass.  But wait, it’s probably also *our* jobs to ensure a good ass wiping is “rectal-fied.”

I submit if someone’s hired to take over a responsiblity that I’d been during for a number of years, I’d gloat and grin and just point my finger and maybe even talk a bit, like so:

“See, there’s this website called ‘Twitter.’ And what you do is create a name.  It’s real easy.  Just go to the website and create a name.  What?  You don’t have a computer?? ::sigh:: Okay, just contact the XXX department and ask for a computer.  What do you mean you don’t have a phone?  Just email them!!!  You need a computer to send an email?  Sounds like you’re in a real fix.  Okay, when you get your email and computer, let me know and I’ll show you Twitter.  Twitter???  You never heard of it???  :::sigh:::  I’ll just let the VP know that you’re still working on it.”

(“Hey, where’d the new guy go?”)

Current Mood:  cranky

I’m falling behind on my project list.  Yesterday was a huge help.  In addition to that, there are a number of reasons for this.   Some of them are pretty amusing; some annoying; all make me just say “I really don’t care.”

I received the following email from the same user that wanted me to “speed up” her ‘Net connection at home (actually, that one reminds me of  the time when one of the “big bosses” wanted me to sit by her home computer and make sure her ‘Net connection stays up.  Priceless.  And, this user also sent us this gem.):

“Did you uninstall my college internet connection for home, which was on my laptop when I went to lunch? Curiously enough, it is not installed now!”

You know, this one is so off the top, I don’t even know how to respond.  Yes, we just happened to break into your *work* laptop to remove your *personal* VPN connection.  Hell, do you even know what “VPN” stands for?  It’s certainly not “very perfect nutcase.”  We have nothing better to do than wait around for people to go to lunch and fuck with their laptops.  We like to think of it as “job security.”  So, yes, we did that.  Oh, and doesn’t it run much faster now?

Here’s another one:

“I can’t get into the XXX directory.  Did you change my password without telling me?”

Well, let’s see.  More job security because we figure if we change people’s passwords, they’ll *have* to come to us to get them back on track.  But, with a little bit of troubleshooting, we come to find out that your account was actually “locked out.”  So, you see, this means that not only did *you* not know *your own* password, *you* actually locked *yourself* out.  But because the domain controller has feelings, it decided to pick on *you* today because you were mean to me.  Never, ever piss off the domain controller.  It is your friend.  (But, I’ll be nice and reset your password for you and we’ll never tell another soul that this was actually *your* doing.  I’ll gladly take the blame.)

And one more time waster to prevent me from working on anything worthy is a “requirement” to attend a vendor mini-conference today.  (Actually, this one was kinda cool as it was about cloud-based computing.)  All the while, however, I had to listen to the Curmudgeon share how “great” his son’s company is.  Now, a little Google digging will reveal that his kid’s company has actually received a number of customer complaints that were submitted to the BBB.

I guess the apple really doesn’t fall that far from the tree.  (Actually, I almost wish *I* worked there so I could treat people like shit!  Oh, but wait, I already do that.  But maybe I’d make more $$.)

On a very rare occasion, I eat my dinner in the cafeteria.  Now, I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I stay late to actually work.  Hell, I have a hard time justifying working during the typical workday as it is let alone staying late to work.  That being said, I ate in the cafeteria simply because I was too lazy to cook and it was “pork night”!

While enjoying my pork and minding my own business, a coworker and her spouse decide to join me.  These are the types of people that just *have* to have a conversation at the food table.  One simply cannot enjoy being left to oneself and minding one’s own business.  No, they have to join one and add the additional pain of engaging in conversation.  Needless to say, I managed to painfully press through much small talk including (of course) the weather, the economy, etc.  Once the conversation hit the point of the spouse saying “I’m really pissed off at my tech guy,” my ears perked up since I, surely, *cannot* be the only IT person stuck in a no-end, no incentive position.

Spouse:  “My tech guy’s such a jerk.”

Me: “Oh, really?  Wish I could relate.  I’m the nicest person I know, especially when it comes to technology.” (quit snickering, dear reader.)

Spouse:  “Do you know what this guy did??  He made *me* call the software company I’m trying to get working on my computer.  Why couldn’t he just fix it himself?  Is he some kind of MORON???”

Me: :::breathing deep because I don’t wish to completely blow up on this idiot and protect all my IT colleagues and, especially the IT “moron”:::  “I find that it’s just about impossible to know everything about every piece of software that’s ever been developed.  Has your IT guy ever worked with this piece of software before?  Did he install it?”

Spouse:  “Yes, as a matter of fact, *he* did.  I believe since he installed it, he should fix it.”

Me:  :::trying very hard not to go off on this guy again::: “Just for simple comparison’s sake, I won’t claim to know everything about various software although I have been tasked with installing applications I’ve never worked with and, even further, I have to support them as well.  Because I’m not an accountant, I shouldn’t be expected to know how to deal with proforma reports, profit/loss statements, etc but is it fair to expect me to know how to troubleshoot a piece of accounting software?  If that were the case, wouldn’t I be the one with the accounting degree making $80k per year?”

Spouse:  :::crickets chirping:::  “Ummmm…well…I….that’s a good point.  But why did he install the software then??? And why is he in MARYLAND???  He should get down here and help me with it!”

Me:  :::sighing:::  “Maybe because that’s because he was told to do that?  I drive a car but does that mean I can replace the brakes? [actually, I can but that's besides the point.] And maybe he’s in Maryland because that’s where the IT office is based.  Perhaps he should use a remote access application and work with you and the software developer while logged into your computer.”

Spouse:  “Hey, great idea, thanks.  I think I’ll suggest that.”  ::whispering:: “You know, if you ever wanna get out of here, I might be able to get you in the door with my firm.”

It’s nice to feel “wanted.”  Not.

Current Mood:  grumpy

Here we go:

• Curmudgeon gets off his lazy ass to share with me how much his son is making to build a survey application for a government website.  Survey Monkey “isn’t good enough.”  $150 an hour for a Cold Fusion app.  Didn’t Allaire sell Cold Fusion to Adobe about eight years ago and is even phasing it out in favor of “Bolt”?  Actually, Curmudgeon Jr. should be commended for bullshitting a government entity to rely on him using an obsolete programming language.  Wonder what’ll happen when the application breaks.
• Curmudgeon decided to “ramp up” the anti-virus scanning policies across all the servers.  Instead of staggering them across a wide schedule, he launches the policies at the same time, pretty much bringing our entire VM environment to its knees.  I had to “save the day” by putting our two ESX boxes into mainteance mode (one at a time, of course), migrating the VMs to the first dying ESX box, bringing the HA functionality back up and stabilizing it then bringing then moving the VM’s to the other ESX box prior to bringing it down and stablizing that one.  Now I’m dealing with broken file share permission issues so Curmudgeon called Microsloth and used one of our two critical support calls per year.  Oh, and the kicker is he’s blaming all of this on my Ubuntu box that just sits there and runs Nagios.
• Calls coming in left and right about the downed file server thanks to the previous bullet line.  Of course, everyone’s up in arms because they “HAVE TO GET THESE PROJECTS DONE FOR XXXXXXX DAY!!!!”  People, we’re having bigger problems than that.
• Kicker of the day:  While at lunch, I get the “I know you’re eating but we really need to have these issues fixed, mmm’kay??”  Yeah, okay, Mrs. Lumbergh, I’ll get right on it.  Just as soon as I down this fifth of tequila.
• Business manager tries to get into an argument with me, telling me *I* hooked the MFP machine up to everyone’s workstation on the network.  I politely informed him that I gave the vendor an IP address for the network but that’s where my involvement stopped.  Of course, he insists that *I* got *his* machine hooked up.  Of course, I just happened to have the email the vendor sent to me several months ago, confirming his connecting the business manager’s laptop to the MFP machine.  Yeah, and *I* need a CAT scan?

More tomorrow, I’m sure!

Current Mood:  grumpy

I’m working today.  Why is that a big deal?  Well, actually, because everyone else is off today and I thought I’d come in and get some “quiet” work done, i.e. shredding old personal documents while blasting my iTunes and writing a research paper on my dual 24″ LCD flat screens.  Did you think I’m actually working for the company??

I did do something stupid, however.  I checked my work email and found this gem waiting in my inbox:

Naturally on a Friday when we close early before a long weekend preceding an extremely busy week for the XXXX office, the printer here in XXX  says the toner is low.  I am praying it does not run out this weekend when I am trying to work, and that when you all are back on Tues am you will tell me we have  replacement toner in stock that can be put in this printer right away. Please let me know asap!  Thanks very much!

You know, this is exactly the kind of email that gets me floored.  *Naturally* I’m too much of a moron to have the foresight to keep extra toner in stock.  *Naturally* I’m going to be at *your* beck and call, Princess, to run right over and sit by *your* printer with a new toner cartridge in hand, just *waiting* for the printer to run out.  *Naturally* replacing toner cartridge in *your* printer is *obviously* more important than performing an emergency hard drive replacement on our SAN array which could eventually affect hundreds of users by lowering their disk space.  But, don’t you worry.  I’ll make sure I’m available for *you*.   Oh, by the way, may I offer you a latte while you’re waiting for me to replace *your* toner cartridge? </endRant>

I thought I’d have a little fun to wit I replied:

I’m sorry, Ms. XXX.  I’ve been hiking all weekend and enjoying the weather over this long break.  Hope you haven’t been working too hard [the kicker here, my friends, is that I've been around throughout the weekend and never once saw this person's $50k+ German convertible.  Oh, the sympathy!] We’ve been informed by the printer manufacturer that, since they no longer manufacturer that specific printer model, they are no longer manufacturer the toner cartridges for it due to low profit margins and reduced production.  We *may* have another printer laying around but I won’t know for sure until Tuesday.  In the meantime, I’ve left an old inkjet printer on my desk if you’d like to use that one instead.  I might be back Tuesday unless I fall into a cave.  But don’t you worry about me if I do!  I’m sure we’ll find you an awesome printer when I get back.  Just hope I can balance it with my crutches.

Think I’ll go have a latte.

Current Mood:  grumpy