Grumpy Techs

We’ve been busting our asses lately trying to figure out why our 802.11n-based wireless network isn’t stable.  The manufacturer (rhymes with, ::cough cough:: the latter of “Monte Cristo” or the most awesome gunk used for greasing pans and…stuff, i.e. Crisco) can’t even figure out what the problem is.  We’ve updated all the client drivers (and with over 700 clients, that was a BIATCH!!) and tested the security settings on the controller itself as well as ensuring all the access points have the latest firmware.  However, we’ve concluded that, for just some reason, a form of metaphysicalness has beared its ugly head as evidenced here:

Now we ask you:  notice anything a little strange about this window?  Perhaps a contradiction of terms…

::sigh::

Current Mood:  grumpy

Here’s a submission we’ve all probably heard this one before as it’s an oldie but goodie but it’s still a good laugh.  If you want more details, here’s an excellent write-up/overview of this one. This actually reminded me of one of my printing stories.

Actual Dialog of a Former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle; it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes; the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power … A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Current Mood:  grumpy

Now that we’re pretty much back into the swing of things and we’ve gone from 300+ workstations to 700+ workstations and from 500+ people to 1,000+ people to support within the last six months, I like to take some time every so often to…well…hide.  I was actually on my way to doing exactly that when I was hit up with yet another question.  Now, I don’t mind questions.  It’s the ID-Ten-T one’s I have a hard time with.

Me:  :::Walking, walking, practically jogging:::

Enduser: ::literally runs up to me and gets in my face:: “I CAN’T GET TO MY COMCA$T ACCOUNT!!!”

Me: “Oh, hi.  Good to see you.”

Enduser: “DIDN’T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID???  I CAN’T GET TO MY COMCA$T ACCOUNT!!”

Me: “Why, yes, I heard you.  In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone down the hall heard you.” (Noticing a bunch of heads that immediate popped back into their offices after overhearing the sudden outburst.)

Enduser: (More subtly now as I think she noticed those heads too.) “Well, what are you gonna do about it?”

Me: “I’m sorry but corporate policy has dictated that personal email accounts are not to be used with corporate computers.  It’s not my call but a corporate mandate.”

Enduser: ::blink, blink:: “Do YOU mean to tell me that I CANNOT check my Comca$t email at work??”

Me: “Ummm, yeah.”

Enduser: “Well, we’ll just SEE about that!”

Me: “Okaaaaaaay.” :::start walking away:::

Enduser: “Hey, where are you going?  We need to look into this!!”

Me: ::thinking “oh, this is gonna be FUN!!:: “You want ME to go with YOU to ask Corporate why YOU can’t access YOUR PERSONAL email on COMPANY TIME and EQUIPMENT?”

Enduser: ::blink, blink:: (I think she has a nervous tick.) “You lead the way.”

Aaaaand, so I do…lead the way, that is.  I lead the way so much that I had that woman doing enough laps around the campus that by the time we got done, we could have logged a half marathon.  Funny all the time she kept screaming at me about the offices being “this way or that way.” “Don’t worry,” I kept replying over my shoulder, “I know lots of shortcuts.”  But, for *some* reason, I kept getting lost.  Hey, I’m a guy…I don’t *do* directions.

Needless to say, my mission was accomplished when she exasperatedly threw her hands up and screamed “JUST FORGET IT!!!” and raged off in a huff.

And now I’m in hiding.  Shhhh…don’t tell anyone.

Current Mood:  grumpy

Remember how I tend to like to enjoy my breakfast in peace and harmony without interruption but it usually doesn’t work out that way since I’m generally interrupted anyway by those who I just wish were dust bunnies to be flicked away?  This morning was one of those times.  Now, I rarely even get a “good morning” but when I do, it’s usually followed with a “I have a question,” or a complaint or bitch.  This particular morning, I wasn’t in the best of moods (oh, who are we kidding?) as I was here the previous night for three additional hours trying to fix an issue that involved a vendor.  Most of the time took trying to track down the support contract number since the Curmudgeon enjoys keeping that info to himself for some sort of job security, I guess.  But I still made it into work as I gotta pay my bills and this is the only place currently allowing me to do that.

This morning I had a conversation with an end user that went something like this:

Enduser: “Where you going?”

Me: “Ummm, to my desk.”

Enduser:  “I need to talk to you.”

Me: ::growing annoyed:: “What do we call this?”

Enduser: ::ignoring:: “How come I can’t log on to this area on our website?”

Me: “You might want to ask XXX, as he’s our ‘webmaster.’” (with heavy emphasis on “master” here.)

Enduser:  ::crickets chirping:: “Isn’t that technical?  Why can’t I ask you?”

Me: ::sigh:: “Because certain people do certain jobs.  I don’t handle the website.  Oh, would you know how I can get the toilet paper changed in building XXX as the men’s room is out?”

Enduser: “How the hell would I know?”

Me:  “Exactly.”

Enduser: ::blink, blink:: “Well, why can’t I get on to that part of the website?  Is he blocking me?”

Me: “Again, why don’t you ask him?”  ::walking away::

Here’s the kicker:  this guy is in charge of everything and anything related to servicing corporate vehicles.  Next time I need to sign a vehicle out, I’m…just…not going to.

Current Mood:  grumpy

Seems like lately I’ve been making awesome use of the “ID-Ten-T” error.  It’s the only way I’ve been getting through my days, considering I’m surrounded by a bunch of, well, ID-Ten-T’s, of course!  Now, before y’all go on thinking “Oh, geez, another Grumpy Tech whine post.  You want some cheese with that whine?  Hardeeharhar!” let me point out that it can sometimes be cool to be surrounded by morons because these people make for excellent content.  Since it’s been such a slow summer, I’ve obviously been remisce in posting but now that Fall is about here and we’re back in the thick of things, it’s time to ramp it up a bit.  So, stay tuned for more!

I recently received word that one of our test labs was on the fritz.  Frankly, considering the workstations are more than 10 years old, I’m really not surprised.  It’s about taking a shot of moonshine and a tube of Ben-Gay just to keep them up and running.  When they run too hard, there’s nothing a little Pepto-Bismal can’t handle.  Many employees know this and they also know that we’re just getting the budget we need to replace these systems.  I mean, after all, it’s more important to put a “don’t park here” sign on the new CFO’s parking space as well as by the CEO an iPhone which she keeps losing (I think she’s on her third now).  Screw production and profits!  :D  Unfortunately, however, one particular employee just didn’t get the “Leave Grumpy Tech alone about the aging test lab!!” memo.  I mean, I guess deliberately walking away while she was in mid-bitching and getting up from the lunch table while, again, she was in mid-bitching mode just wasn’t a subtle enough hint for her.  No, the time finally came for her when she came into my workplace to “passively aggressively apologize” for her behavior.  She probably took notes from the infamous Canadian Rick Mercer for that little gem.  Thank goodness for me her last words were “FINE!  I JUST WON’T TALK TO YOU AT ALL!!!”

THANK YOU, LADY!!!  OMG!!!  YOU TOTALLY GET IT NOW!!!!

(and she hasn’t lately either!)

Anyway, talk about elation.

So, a word of advice for techs wanting to get out trying to fix workstations that are, in dog years, about 70 years old (hell, that’s waaaay older than a Yugo!), just ignore the psychotic wonder wenches and you too may receive the cold shoulder from that very person too!