“Shitass Tone” Fo Realz…
| December 22nd, 2009
It’s almost Christmas. Granted many people celebrate Christmas while a many more don’t. That’s not the point of this email (although the majority of my coworkers are going while I’m still working on server and network updates during the downtime because *someone* has to do it, right?)
I’m sitting here happy as a clam, cracking some Fuel on the iTunes when I get the following email from the marketing “princess” (marked “urgent” mind you):
I received an error message for the new brilliantsummer email address. This needs to get fixed asap as the push page is going out over the christmas holiday.
Who can fix this? Please advise.
I’m sorry to have to inform you that your message could not be delivered to one or more recipients. It’s attached below.
For further assistance, please send mail to <postmaster>If you do so, please include this problem report. You candelete your own text from the attached returned message.
<brilliantsumer@blah.blah.com>: 550 Invalid recipient address (no such address at this site)
Does anyone else find it ironic that she properly spelled “summer” in her bitch note but wasn’t able to for the actual email address? That being said, I simply and politely pointed this out (oh, and I made sure to CC everyone she did too just to show how much of an ass she really is).
Merry Christmas y’all!
“The network is down?”
| December 7th, 2009
Okay, seriously, Endusers, I *do* know if the network goes down simply because I would be unable to access World of Warcraft in the middle of the day. That being said, please don’t tell me that the network has been down ALL DAY ‘cuz, seriously, it hasn’t been.
Also, if you’re gonna leave a voicemail on The Curmudgeon’s phone and his outgoing message states he won’t be in for the rest of the day, shouldn’t common sense dictate that you *might* wanna give me a call if you need help with sometime? I *may* or *may not* bite your head off out of the irritation I experience when I get a call from The Curmudgeon (as he sits in his doctor’s appointment getting his prostate checked. TMI, y’all?) and I have to get back in touch with you in a silly, roundabout way only to find out that YOU are at a doctor’s appointment too. (WTF? Is *everyone* falling apart around here??)
Finally, little kiddies, I know it’s the end of the day for you but that doesn’t give you the right to come tearing into my workplace, demanding that I open up the content filter so you can check your porn. Fuck off and do it at home.
GT out…
annoyed“Please Stand By for an Important Message”
| December 4th, 2009Our CFO prides himself on being computer literate, even going so for as to trying to convince The Curmudgeon and I that he worked in Corporate IT for a number of years (sure, perhaps as the dude that ran around replenishing the paper in the printers…come to think of it, sometimes that’s *me*…oh, the horror!!). Needless to say, for a person who’s so “in tune” with technology, I got a kick out of an email he asked our HR person to send out. The subject line was simply “Stand by for an important message by XXX XXX” WTF is he, the President of the United States??
Wanting to have a little fun with this one, I called the HR person and asked him if the CFO’s email account was working okay. She told me it’s working just fine but he didn’t know how to send a message out to everyone at once. Totally understandable since every email platform is different, of course. So I asked her if he typed in “Everyone” to the “to:” field. She said it was….wait for it….too hard for him to remember.
And *this*, my friends, is why our CFO gets paid the big bucks (literally). :::sigh:::
irritated“Hey, is this typical?”
| December 3rd, 2009
I work with a very cool virtualization environment that starts out with the letters “VM” in its name and ends with something that rhymes with “hair.” Get it? Good! Anyway, I imported a physical workstation in to the VM environment and was “pleased” to see that Microsloth kept running through it’s logging in sequence while it puked itself over the lack of a license key. I kept waiting for the screen to spew green slime all over me while screaming “YOUCAN’TDOTHATONTELEVISION!!!”
Wanna see what I mean? Exciting, ain’t it?
“Ummm, what’s that sound?”
| December 2nd, 2009
(with thanks to Doug Savage for his awesomely hilarious Savage Chicken webcomic.)
Ever have one of those days like the one above? Reminds me of this time (no, not in Band Camp) when I received a “frantic” tech support call from this elderly gentleman who, ummm, let’s just say wasn’t “all there.” It kinda went something like this:
Me: ”Hi, Blah Blah, XYZ Company. Me speaking. How may I…”
Caller: ”AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!! ::banging noises::
Me: ”Sir? SIR????? ARE YOU OKAY????”
Caller: ”WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUGONNADOABOUTTHIS????”
Me: ::crickets chirping:: ”Ummmm, I’m sorry, Sir, but would you please elaborate? I’m really not sure what you’re talking about.”
Caller: ::more banging:: ”MY PRINTER’S BROKEN!!!! MY PRINTER’S IN PIECES!!!!”
Me: ”Your printer’s in pieces?”
Caller: ”WHAT ARE YOU STUPID? I SAID MY PRINTER’S IN PIECES!!!!”
Me: ::ignoring that comment cuz we were paid to do that, of course:: “Sir, please try to calm down. How did you printer get in pieces?”
Caller: :::breathing slowly returning to normal:: ”I DROPPED….::clearing throat::…I dropped it on the floor.”
Me: ::more crickets:: “You dropped it on the floor…”
Caller: ”Yes. And it’s brand new and I know it’s still under warranty. OHMYGOD!!!!” ::falling noises:: ”OH SHIT….I NEED AN AMBULANCE!!!! I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!!!!” (no kidding here, people; he really said that.)
Me: ::thinking and realizing that this could be a Crank Yankers episode with Special Ed’s “I Got Mail” twist:: “Okay, Sir, please try to calm down. I’m gonna see if I can get some help. Please hold on for a minute.” ::muting the phone and calling my coworkers over (hey, it was a slow night!)::
Caller: ::banging around and throwing expletives out with every other word::
Me: ::getting back on the phone:: “Sir, I need to ask you how this happened to your printer.”
Caller: ::focusing back on me now:: “IGOTPISSEDOFFATITANDDROPPEDITONTHEFLOOR!!!!”
Me: “You. Dropped. Your. Printer. On. The. Floor.”
Caller: “THAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID, YOU IDIOT!!!”
Me: ::crickets…again:: “Okay, Sir. Why did you drop your printer on the floor.”
Caller: ::expletives galore:: “BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T PRINT THIS PICTURE!!! ::more subdued now:: I don’t think it liked me.”
Me: ”You don’t think your printer liked you? Why not?”
Caller: ”Because…because it was a picture of a naked girl.”
Me: ::mouth hanging open while listening to coworkers laughing their asses off:: “Sir, are you telling me you think your printer judged you??”
Caller: ”Yes, yes, my printer JUDGED ME!!!”
Me: ”Sir, ummm…I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you out. Our warranty doesn’t cover customers throwing their printers on the floor because they think their printers judged them.”
Caller: :::going off on a roll of cuss words::
Me: ::slowly punching the ‘disconnect’ button::
Now THAT’S a first. Consider this a lesson, my friends. The next time you have trouble printing pictures of your naked girly porn, be aware that your printer is probably judging you.
cranky
