Grumpy Techs

So, I’m still in that training session, listening to the instructor read from the textbook while enduring countless hours of contradiction from my grumpy coworker who’s also attending the session. I had the idea of putting Microsloth 2008 on a test VM and creating a test VLAN to allow us to get an idea of the conversion upgrade. When I mentioned this to grumpy coworker, I was instantly met with harsh criticism along with a number of sighs and rolling of the eyes. I guess this was a “dumb idea.” Fortunately, the instructor managed to look up from the book and actually offer some input about deploying 2008 within a test environment prior to rolling out to production. Fortunately, again, my coworker thought this was the smartest idea in the world and he was “so happy” the instructor saw his side of rolling it out.

I guess it’s a good thing I know my coworker so well as that’s exactly how I wanted him to react since it was “his” idea in the first place. (Ahem.)

Oh, and all the while this is going on, I’m really impressed with three of our classmates from another corporation that just happens to be the state’s largest power company. These guys really know how to carry on a conversation about which latest and greatest server they’re gonna buy to implement the Federation server functionality. They know all about Pricewatch.com and everything. They’re soooo cool. I wanna be just like them when I grow up and especially have conversations in the middle of claustrophobic training sessions that would make anyone wanna jump from a three story high window.

See y’all tomorrow, Three Stooges and “common sense” coworker.

There once was a time, for the most part, when many an employee used to feel respected and, even, appreciated. We hear bits and pieces of how that’s still the case which is fortunate for those who experience this. However, as more and more companies feel the economic turmoil and many others use it as an excuse, more and more employees are being put aside in favor if saving the “almighty dollar.” Granted, this is just business, of course, but sometimes it’s just nice to feel appreciated. That being said, hopefully this one will raise a chuck out of you, dear readers.

We’re in the midst of some major construction projects throughout the complex. Of course there are pieces of network equipment all throughout the complex, many of which are in the midst of this construction where hard hats are required to be worn. Fair enough, no problem. I’d like to protect what’s left of my noggin’ as much as I can. Well, as an employee, I would think I would be entitled to a hard hat so that I can DO MY JOB. “Nope,” I was told. “You can purchase one at Home Depot or Lowe’s as there’s no money in our budget for hats.” Thinking that was the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard (actually, considering where I work, it didn’t surprise me all that much), I managed to “beg” for one from another department. What really rocked my boat, however, was I was walking through the reception area the other day and, low and behold, what do I see? Yup, a box full of brand new hard hats. When I asked who they were for, I was told “touring visitors.” Thinking to myself that it’s just wonderful that we have to protect our idiot visitors from galavanting around dangerous construction areas while our employees can just risk getting their heads bashed open on open steel girders really made my day.

And that, my friends, is yet another notch down on the ‘ol “respect-o-meter.”

I’m moving along this morning, working on a pretty satisfying self-assigned project and minding my own business when all of a sudden the fire alarm goes off. Needless to say I jumped about three feet outta my chair because that simply doesn’t happen very often. So, I grab my coat and dash outside, along with my coworkers of course, desperately wanting to pull a George Costanza but dutifully refraining from doing so. We all made it outside while the fire alarm is shrieking and screaming away. The fire department came, checked out the building and we were told it was simply a “false alarm.” (Doesn’t the fire department charge for a visit like that? I wonder who didn’t feel like working today.) They shut off the alarm and we thought we’d go back around our business. Dear Readers, if that were the end of the story, this would, admittedly, be one lame blog post. There’s more, of course.

We reenter the building and settle back down at our desks when the damn alarm starts SHRIEKING AGAIN!! Well, this is just too much, especially since this went on and on for about 20 minutes and, this time, we were asked to stay put while our maintenance people checked the problem out. Not. Kidding. Can you imagine the fire alarm depicted in the video below screaming in your ear for 20 minutes? It sucked. (By, the way, the video below is the ACTUAL alarm!)

Now, while all this commotion is going on, a coworker came up to me and asked (actually, this individual had to scream because the alarm was so damn loud):

“I can’t get on the Internet. Is there a problem?”

Now, mind you, this individual asked me this question with the fire alarm screaming around us along with other coworkers trying to assess the situation and, in heightened voices, adding their own input of displeasure. I must have looked like a moron because I couldn’t possibly comprehend why this person was asking me to look into their Internet connection in the midst of this “crisis” because they repeated it again, this time much louder:

“EXCUUUUUUSE ME!!! I CAN’T GET ON THE INTERNET!!!!!”

Well, after gathering my bearings, I decided to have a little fun (ya think?). So I replied (with the alarms STILL going off, mind you): “Well, hear all this shrieking going on? The first alarm was a mistake but this one was set off because someone or some people visited some inappropriate websites thus triggering the alarm. This isn’t a a fire alarm. This means there’s a problem with the network. Do you know anything that might help is try to figure out what caused the alarm to go off because we’d really like to turn this alarm off”

I was met with a pair of huge eyes, followed by some irreversible shaking before the individual did an about face and ran out of the room.

I guess they couldn’t help me. Bummer.

Today’s been a big day for us. We’ve been wonderfully continuing to piss off everyone in the company after turning on authentication to the content filter (remember this one and, perhaps, this one?) The best part is that, in addition to upsetting all the endusers, we’ve managed to INCREASE our workload by about 60%!!! (If you’d curious as to how we’ve deduced that statistic, we’ve had lots of time to compile a shared Google Doc spreadsheet which we can update on a whim whenever we’re feeling saucy which, lately, seems to be fairly often.) I’d like to just thank the upper-level echelon for telling us to roll out this new process. Two thumbs up, boys! You’re the “bestests”!

This reminds me of a support call we received today which made me wonder if my own ‘Net surfing habits have been impacted. Lemme check real quick… Um, nope, of course not. Anyway, here’s the crux of that call:

Enduser: “Hi GT! I’m trying to get on Facebook but I keep getting an error that says the site’s been blocked as for being inappropriate. Can you help me?”

Me: :::feeling saucy (Don’t you just LOVE that word??)::: “Why, but of course! Is your interest in Facebook personal or professional?”

Enduser: “Ummm, I really don’t think that’s any of your business.”

Me: “Oh, contrare, anything that goes across this network is my business. You see, when Corporate made the decision to require users to log in to the Internet, that made our company bound to the Federation of Unified Common Knowledge or F.U.C.K for short. (Yes, Corporate will probably change that acronym for in-house usage as they’re not quite comfortable with it.) So, all that being said, I’d be happy to assist you if you’d please let me know if you’re trying to access Facebook for professional or personal reasons?”

Enduser: “Wow, ummm, okay…well, if you must know, it’s both.”

Me: “Both? Hmmm, let’s see. Let me search through our SharePoint server and see if there are any memos out there regarding Facebook access while on company hours.” :::clickety clickety clickety::: “Gee, I can’t seem to find anything. Might it be possible to ask your manager to forward a memo to the F.U.C.K. committee to request access? I’m sure they’d respond quickly based on your need.”

:::phone slams:::

Me: :::thinking – “Gee, that wasn’t very nice. I was only trying to help.”:::

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go back to filling out the “25 things I don’t want you to know about me” on Facebook.

Porn. Money. Facebook. Whatever. It really doesn’t matter to me what you’re looking at or what you WANNA look at on the Interwebz while at work. Sure, I can easily see what you’re looking at but I’m too busy checking out porn…er…*testing* the content filter to ensure porn isn’t getting through. Ahem. I’m sorry, I digress.

That being said, let me explain to you, Dear Enduser, *why* it’s really not *me* blocking you from that latest new Web 2.0 messaging site that was heavily developed in Ajax and Flash. You see, our content filter deemed it as “inappropriate,”; not me. Hell, I might want to check it out too. (Actually, I did and, trust me, it ain’t all that.) But, the content filter, you see, *doesn’t* have a brain, much to its chagrin (so sorry to insult you, Mr. Content Filter, but you really don’t.) Sooo, that being said, it’s not *me* blocking the site. If we can get that straight, perhaps you’ll understand and quit blaming me why you can’t get to your porn and “cool sites” on company time.

(But if you ever come across anymore of them, please let me know!)

I really should get back to my porn….damnit!….er…work now.