Grumpy Techs

I was resting on my laurels this morning, thinking I’d enjoy a bit of light reading before coming in to work when my cell phone started screaming at me.

Caller:  “The server’s down.”

Me: :::sweet and innocent voice::: “Why, good morning!  Which server’s down please?”

Caller:  “The email server, you idiot.  Geez, how many servers do we have???”

Me: :::juuuuust a tad annoyed, especially since I’m not on the clock yet and, also, because I wasn’t notified that the server was down by the monitoring system::: “Thanks very much for that information, I’ll go ahead and look into it.”

Caller:  “You better because I have a very important email I need to send out!” (Yeah, probably to his wife.  Now, this is at 7am, mind you, and this particular person reaaaally doesn’t need to be sending “important emails” at 7am.)

:::clickety-click-click-CLIIIIICK::: Well, what do we know?  The server’s actually fine.  For some reason, however, this person’s account is locked.  Gee, I wonder how that happened?  It’s not like *I* locked the account because I’m too ignorant to remember the password.  But since I was greeted with such compassion and kindness this morning, I thought I’d give this individual a little present.

Me: “Hi there.  The server’s back up.  Looks like it suffered a meltdown but I managed to save the day!  Just call me the ‘white horse’!”  (Actually, that’s an inside joke.  I should share that story sometime.)  “The only thing is that your mailbox became corrupt in the process of bringing the server back up so I’ll need a bit of time to finesse the database and get your mailbox restored.”

Caller: “Ummm…what do you mean, ‘corrupt’??  How long will it take to fix??”

Me: “Probably looking at a couple of hours.  I’ll be sure to look into it as soon as I get in to the office.”

Caller:  “Why can’t you begin fixing it now?  Aren’t you on call 24/7 for emergencies??” (Note, dear readers, “emergencies” is the keyword.)

Me: ::jovially:: “Oh, my, you’re absolutely right!  How silly that I forgot that!  I’ll go ahead and start working on your mailbox now!  I’ll send you an email when it’s complete.”

Caller: “That’s great, thx.  I’ll be waiting to hear from you.”

Dumbass.

I’m working today.  Why is that a big deal?  Well, actually, because everyone else is off today and I thought I’d come in and get some “quiet” work done, i.e. shredding old personal documents while blasting my iTunes and writing a research paper on my dual 24″ LCD flat screens.  Did you think I’m actually working for the company??

I did do something stupid, however.  I checked my work email and found this gem waiting in my inbox:

Naturally on a Friday when we close early before a long weekend preceding an extremely busy week for the XXXX office, the printer here in XXX  says the toner is low.  I am praying it does not run out this weekend when I am trying to work, and that when you all are back on Tues am you will tell me we have  replacement toner in stock that can be put in this printer right away. Please let me know asap!  Thanks very much!

You know, this is exactly the kind of email that gets me floored.  *Naturally* I’m too much of a moron to have the foresight to keep extra toner in stock.  *Naturally* I’m going to be at *your* beck and call, Princess, to run right over and sit by *your* printer with a new toner cartridge in hand, just *waiting* for the printer to run out.  *Naturally* replacing toner cartridge in *your* printer is *obviously* more important than performing an emergency hard drive replacement on our SAN array which could eventually affect hundreds of users by lowering their disk space.  But, don’t you worry.  I’ll make sure I’m available for *you*.   Oh, by the way, may I offer you a latte while you’re waiting for me to replace *your* toner cartridge? </endRant>

I thought I’d have a little fun to wit I replied:

I’m sorry, Ms. XXX.  I’ve been hiking all weekend and enjoying the weather over this long break.  Hope you haven’t been working too hard [the kicker here, my friends, is that I've been around throughout the weekend and never once saw this person's $50k+ German convertible.  Oh, the sympathy!] We’ve been informed by the printer manufacturer that, since they no longer manufacturer that specific printer model, they are no longer manufacturer the toner cartridges for it due to low profit margins and reduced production.  We *may* have another printer laying around but I won’t know for sure until Tuesday.  In the meantime, I’ve left an old inkjet printer on my desk if you’d like to use that one instead.  I might be back Tuesday unless I fall into a cave.  But don’t you worry about me if I do!  I’m sure we’ll find you an awesome printer when I get back.  Just hope I can balance it with my crutches.

Think I’ll go have a latte.

Current Mood:  grumpy

Considering the day I had yesterday, one might think one would get a break.  Oh, contrare.  (Actually, if one were to think that in the first place, one would like a bit of one’s crack for one’s self.)  Today started out almost the same way but with some added twists.  (Isn’t that always the case?)

That being said, we received the following email:

Upon deleting recycling bin the message appeared……..can not delete folder Dc10.   So, I opened the bin to put folder back in My Pics……….it is not there!   Now, every time I delete Rbin, I get this message first before I am allowed to delete anything.  I have done a search for this folder in hidden files and elsewhere.  It comes up empty!

I was in “My Pictures” folder.  Deleted folder that appeared to have nothing in it.  Dc10 to be exact.

What can I do, if anything, to correct the situation?

The great thing is that this is one of our “genius” employees who happened to ask me another tech support question a couple of months ago.  Well, between setting up “emegency” computers and wiping out viruses, we’re reaaaally not able to help anyone with their personal problems right now.  I would suggest perhaps contacting Dr. Phil or Ann Landers about any personal problems but I’m more than happy to give you some suggestions.  But, being the “nice guy” I am, I managed to send a reply  back, asking her if it’s a Canon DC10 camera and, if so, the folder is probably trying to regenerate itself whenever she syncs the camera.  I also stated, as well as the curmudgeon did, that we’re exceptionally busy right now and unless her computer’s not functioning, she’ll have to basically take a number.  Here’s the response I got:

Thanks.  I know you’re busy.  How can I keep the folder from reinstalling?

Apparently, “we’re really busy right now” doesn’t qualify in her world.

On another note, I was asked to install a “creative suite” application for another employee.  This person is usually pretty tech savvy (I know, I know.) so I told him I can’t get to it right now but feel free to grab the DVD.  He came right over and picked it up but managed to spend about 10 minutes asking me if I’m sure it’ll work on the type of hardware he has.  “Dude, is ‘I can’t help you right now’ code for ‘By all means, please let me take care of that for you. You just relax.’”  I think a proctologist would be a better candidate for that.

All in all, I think I’ll start think up ways to mess with people like the yanking of the monitor’s power cable or the fake desktop background.  Feel free to drop us a line if you have any suggestions and we’ll share!

Current Mood:  grumpy

Thought this might be a perfect opportunity for me to share how a typical day goes for a grumpy tech.  For those who may relate, feel free to comment and let me know if I’m off base or close.

8am – Stuff myself with oatmeal, a piece of sausage and Crystal Light strawberry with a splash of vodka mixed in (not bad, eh?).  Sauntered over to my desk where I found a Crapple CrackBook No sitting on my desk.  The topping is that my wireless mouse and mousepad had been placed *on top* of the laptop.  I guess this is one’s way of saying “FIX THIS NOW BEFORE YOU TURN ON YOUR OWN COMPUTER!!!” The kicker is that the laptop’s owner calls me at 8:05am to “just inquire if my laptop is finished.”  “Ummmm, no,” is my stand reply, of course, followed by a BSSSTZZZZAAAAPPPPPP and the phone being subtly hung up.  I *hate* when the phone system acts up.

8:10am – I overhear one of our “technical assistants” talking to an enduser about our email system, saying how “it’s the best!!!” while the enduser shares a number of frustrating issues about it.  “No, it’s *the best*,” comes the standard reply.  That’s great to relay your opinion but how about getting off your ass and helping the enduser figure out how to effectively use the system?  Oh, and, by the way, our email system does *suck*.

8:30am – After surfing Google Reader and catching up on my comics, I decide to turn on the CrackBook and start looking into the problem which is:  “My Acrobat PDF Printer all of a sudden ‘disappeared’ from the printer menu and I need this fixed immediately.” (Oh, but, *of course* you do.) Realizing I should probably do some actual work, I fire up the CrackBook and begin removing all of the related applications.  (I wonder if I should have left the actual operating system intact?  Oh well.)  Because Acrobat’s “owner” likes to install about 4Gb worth of crap on a “basic” installation, I figure it’ll take about two hours to install.

9am – The laptop’s owner calls me to tell me she has an “important email I *must* send out before a meeting at 10am.” Again, of course you do.  She comes over and decides to perch herself at the corner of my desk while checking her email at the same time I’m reinstalling the software, mind you.  The caveat is when she complains about her computer “running too slow.”  Oh, you think?  Of course, with all that going down, I decide to leave the Princess to her own devices and go grab a cup of coffee long enough so that she won’t be around when I get back.  That ploy works.  She did leave her cell number so I can call her when I’m done.  Yeah, I’ll get on that too.  But, perhaps the best part of all this is that she leaves her snotty nose paper sitting on the corner of my desk.  Of course, I just had to wrap her power cord around the tissue which I’m hoping she’ll appreciate when she gets back.

9:30am – I receive another call from someone whose computer “won’t turn on.”  I ask if they held the power button down for 10 seconds.  “Yes, I need you to fix it NOW!!!” Again, of course you do (Hey, might be a good idea for another category.)  I politely inform her that I’m currently working on another computer and I’ll get over there when I can.  :::SIGH::: (Actually, it sounded like a Hoover vacuum cleaner blowing dust.) “FINE!!! But I need this working ASAP!!!”  Ummm hmmm…  Update: The power cord to the power brick was unplugged.  Awww…

9:50am – One of the “big bosses” who’s not technically capable of anything…at all…comes up to me and demands I look at her printer…right now.  “Yeah, okay.  And good morning to you too.”  Of course, all I get in return is a blank stare.  Now, this person is on the verge of retiring so I’m hoping that Alzheimer’s hasn’t begun to shut her down entirely.  This thought promptly goes out of my head and makes me think it’s already too late when I simply power turn her printer, turn it back on and, voila, it works.  Yes, I ran a ping to see about connectivity.  All’s fine.  Of course, I receive no “thank you” or anything.  Yeah, you’re welcome.

12:48am – The curmudgeon and I received an email from one of the “big bosses” demanding that we set up a workstation in his conference room and that this is “of the most utmost priority.”  Oh, and he wants this done by this Friday.  No problem that our budget is done for the year.  Your wish is our command.  Oh, and we’ll contact our PC vendor and have them Jetson-rocket it to us within an hour or so.

2:30pm – The Princess picked up her laptop and stated, in a disgusted manner, “I guess you want me to throw this Kleenex away.” Actually, Lady, I was hoping to hang it off the yardarm and salute it every morning.

I would go on but really don’t want to make this one into a 1,000 word blog entry.  You get the gist.  Let’s see how tomorrow will go, shall we?

Current Mood:  grumpy

It never ceases to amaze me just how much others seem to know what *my* responsibilities are.  I usually have a pretty good handle on what I’m supposed to do around here but every so often someone comes along and decides to add something else such as “load-this-paper-in-the-printer” and whatever else I’m to do except for what I was actually hired for.  Today’s version of “while you’re here” revolves around a fax machine.  Apparently, I’ve been deemed the “fax machine dude” too.

Enduser: “Our fax machine is broken.”

Me: “Okay.”

Enduser: “Well, are you gonna fix it?”

Me: “Why?”

Enduser:  ::scoffs:: “Isn’t that *your* job???”

Me: “Hmmm, let me check my contract and get back to you. One moment, please.”  ::rifling papers:: “Ah, yes, here it is.  My contract states in paragraph 32, line 6 of subparagraph A that I’m expressly *forbidden* to touch fax machines, copiers or anything that involves paper.  You see, I have an allergy that actually makes my skin turn dark if I come into contact with any kind of ink.  I had asked our employer to include that in my contract just in case something like that might happen.”

Enduser:  “What???  OMG!!!!  What am I gonna DO??? I have to get this fax out by 5pm today because the big boss is depending on it!!!”  (I’m sure we can all relate with those who throw the big boss’ name around just to get us off our asses.  Doesn’t exactly work with me.  In fact, I turn into a sloth.)

Me: “I’ll tell you want, let me see if I can order myself some rubber gloves and fix that fax machine for you.  It may take some time because I have to find some anti-latex gloves due to a skin condition that causes my skin to run if I come in contact with latex.  I’m more than happy to put myself at risk just so you can get your fax out.”

Enduser:  “Oh, would you??  That would be so GREAT!! Thanks so much!”

I wonder if that fax ever got sent.