Grumpy Techs

I work with a very cool virtualization environment that starts out with the letters “VM” in its name and ends with something that rhymes with “hair.”  Get it?  Good!  Anyway, I imported a physical workstation in to the VM environment and was “pleased” to see that Microsloth kept running through it’s logging in sequence while it puked itself over the lack of a license key.  I kept waiting for the screen to spew green slime all over me while screaming “YOUCAN’TDOTHATONTELEVISION!!!”

Wanna see what I mean?  Exciting, ain’t it?

On a very rare occasion, I eat my dinner in the cafeteria.  Now, I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I stay late to actually work.  Hell, I have a hard time justifying working during the typical workday as it is let alone staying late to work.  That being said, I ate in the cafeteria simply because I was too lazy to cook and it was “pork night”!

While enjoying my pork and minding my own business, a coworker and her spouse decide to join me.  These are the types of people that just *have* to have a conversation at the food table.  One simply cannot enjoy being left to oneself and minding one’s own business.  No, they have to join one and add the additional pain of engaging in conversation.  Needless to say, I managed to painfully press through much small talk including (of course) the weather, the economy, etc.  Once the conversation hit the point of the spouse saying “I’m really pissed off at my tech guy,” my ears perked up since I, surely, *cannot* be the only IT person stuck in a no-end, no incentive position.

Spouse:  “My tech guy’s such a jerk.”

Me: “Oh, really?  Wish I could relate.  I’m the nicest person I know, especially when it comes to technology.” (quit snickering, dear reader.)

Spouse:  “Do you know what this guy did??  He made *me* call the software company I’m trying to get working on my computer.  Why couldn’t he just fix it himself?  Is he some kind of MORON???”

Me: :::breathing deep because I don’t wish to completely blow up on this idiot and protect all my IT colleagues and, especially the IT “moron”:::  “I find that it’s just about impossible to know everything about every piece of software that’s ever been developed.  Has your IT guy ever worked with this piece of software before?  Did he install it?”

Spouse:  “Yes, as a matter of fact, *he* did.  I believe since he installed it, he should fix it.”

Me:  :::trying very hard not to go off on this guy again::: “Just for simple comparison’s sake, I won’t claim to know everything about various software although I have been tasked with installing applications I’ve never worked with and, even further, I have to support them as well.  Because I’m not an accountant, I shouldn’t be expected to know how to deal with proforma reports, profit/loss statements, etc but is it fair to expect me to know how to troubleshoot a piece of accounting software?  If that were the case, wouldn’t I be the one with the accounting degree making $80k per year?”

Spouse:  :::crickets chirping:::  “Ummmm…well…I….that’s a good point.  But why did he install the software then??? And why is he in MARYLAND???  He should get down here and help me with it!”

Me:  :::sighing:::  “Maybe because that’s because he was told to do that?  I drive a car but does that mean I can replace the brakes? [actually, I can but that's besides the point.] And maybe he’s in Maryland because that’s where the IT office is based.  Perhaps he should use a remote access application and work with you and the software developer while logged into your computer.”

Spouse:  “Hey, great idea, thanks.  I think I’ll suggest that.”  ::whispering:: “You know, if you ever wanna get out of here, I might be able to get you in the door with my firm.”

It’s nice to feel “wanted.”  Not.

Current Mood:  grumpy

While technically these aren’t “submissions” per say, they are, IOHO, pretty funny. So, that being said, we think we’ll devote a post on Fridays to other Grumpy Techs around the Web. If anyone has a grump they’d like to submit, by all means, please do so!

We came across this site called “Operators Standing By” which highlights the kind of verbal assaults a number of us would expect when working in that line of work. The site has long since been retired but the posts we’ve found there up that point are bloody hilarious! Here’s one example out of many that reminded us so much of one of our own posts, we just HAD to share!

I think I was on the phone with this customer for, quite literally, 40 minutes or more. His problem? He claims that he tried to cancel his service back in June, and he wanted us to give him his money back since that point. The contestable part is that there is absolutely no documention in any system that he ever contacted us to cancel, and by his own admission, he just left a voice message “somewhere” notfiying us. It’s pretty clear in their service agreement that to cancel we need written notification. Not only did the customer never contact us in writing about it, but after he left his voice message in the mythic “somewhere”, he assumed everything would be taken care of and left it at that.

Now maybe it’s just me, but when I want something taken care of, not only do I make sure I’ve spoken to somebody about an issue, but I also call back to ensure it’s being dealt with.

So now here it is, three months later, and his card had been declined during all this time because he’s also apparently inept at keeping up with his finances. So when the backed-up charges went through, he found is account drained. “I don’t have enough money to live!” he wailed at me, in a vain attempt to garner some modicum of sympathy. Even if I did care about this, it still doesn’t change policy, and whatever else the customer may think I’m there for, my first and foremost job is to uphold company policy.

As I said, 40 minutes going nowhere with this guy. He tried to get me to talk to my supervisor, I let him know that he had reached the highest level Billing person he could speak to. He then demanded that I page somebody, but didn’t seem to have a suggestion on whom I should page … again, not that I could, even if I wanted to. He just seemed oddly fixated on the idea of paging people.

Around and around we went:

Me: Is there anything else I can help you with sir?
Him: Yeah, you can give me my money back!
Me: We’ve already discussed that issue at length. We will not be refunding you any money. Is there another issue I can help you with?
Him: You can let me talk to your supervisor!
Me: That is about this issue, sir. Is there any other issue I can help you with?
Him: You can give me my money back!
Me: <sigh>

Finally, he asked for something else. “You can find out who listened to my voice message!” Eh? You want me to tell you who listened to a voice message that you left “somewhere” three months ago? Even if I could discover where you left said message, you then expect it to not only still be there after all this time, but to have somehow magically imprinted itself with the name of the person who listened to it? “Yes!”Eventually, I not only grew weary of the Moebius strip the conversation had become, but it wasn’t fair to other customers waiting in the queue that we might be able to help, and I told the customer that if I could help him with nothing else unrelated to this issue, I would be disconnecting the call.

Him: You can’t hang up on me. I’m not being abusive.
Me: Yes, I can, sir. I would rather not, but if you will not release this line, I’m going to have to.
Him: Don’t you dare hang up on me!
Me: Unless you have another issue that I can help you with today, sir, I’m going to hang up.
Him: If you hang up on me, I will bring this company down on your head! I’ll have your job!
Me: I’ll take that as a “no” then, sir.
Him: Don’t you dare hang up on me!
Me: Good night, sir. <click>

Oh, but wait, we’re not done yet.He calls back about 15 minutes later and gets another rep. He tries for a third time to get someone to give him his money back, and when that rep refuses also, he asks for a supervisor. But this time, he adds that the supervisor in question better not be me.

Laughing, one of my fellow supes had to step up to the plate. As everyone reading this should have gathered by now, he got no further with her than he did with me. After 20 minutes of bickering with the other supervisor, the customer proclaimed “Yeah, you two know just what to say, don’t you? You and Nikki must be lovers!” and hung up. I was in hysterics. Sure, that’s the logical answer to two supervisors telling you the same thing. There must be sex involved.

The cool thing about this post is that it includes two Grumps related to copiers. That’s right, our friends, two Grumps for the price of one.

The first:

OH (as in “overheard”): “Ewwww, what’s that smell coming from the copier room???”

Other person: “I dunno, I wasn’t in the copier room. Musta been someone else.”

GUFFAW!!! Like that one? Us neither.

How about this one… (and there’s no way we can make this submitted Grump up. We’re not that intelligent.) That being said, this one isn’t meant to offend anyone, especially those of the feminine persuasion. Oh, hell, who are we kidding? This entire blog can pretty much be offensive to anybody, especially those in the IT field. That being said, someone sent us the following quick note we found profoundly amusing. Maybe it’s because we were having one of “those” days ourselves when the stupidest things set of strings of giddy laughter. Either way, it’s kinda funny, we guess (is it? not? oh well).

“I was in the copier room one day which also doubles as the printer supply closet when a colleague walked in, made a face, took a whiff and ‘subtly’ stated ‘Damn, this copier smells like it’s having its period!!!!’ Well, I’ve been around some, umm, people that had an, oh boy, umm, ‘unusual’ odor about them and after I took a whiff myself and thought about it, determined that my colleague was, indeed, correct. Fortunately, I take it upon myself to be a bit more politically correct, not to mention, I’m not suffering from Tourette’s Syndrome unlike my esteemed colleague (although there have been many a times when I wish I were!). I merely smiled at my colleague and agreed, wondering if the next time I’d walk into that room, there’d be a box of tampons on top of the copier. Keep up the great work on your blog and thanks!”

So, there you have it folks. The next time you walk into the copier room, take a moment and pause. You never know what sour taste in your mouth might develop after doing so.