Grumpy Techs

Here’s a submission we’ve all probably heard this one before as it’s an oldie but goodie but it’s still a good laugh.  If you want more details, here’s an excellent write-up/overview of this one. This actually reminded me of one of my printing stories.

Actual Dialog of a Former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle; it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes; the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power … A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Current Mood:  grumpy

Always thankful to get submissions from our readers. Here’s a number of plugs from Kaz we’re sure you’ll find amusing and possibly even relate to.  Never ceases to amaze me how these “big bosses” get into their positions.

*December Staff Meeting*
BigVP: We need to get more involved with getting our message out through social media. We will be leaning on Kaz and his expertise over the past 2 years.

*January Staff Meeting*
BigVP: Yep, Kaz will be our goto guy for social media.

*March*
Co-Worker: Did you reserve the company name on Twitter and not the guy we just fired?

Kaz: Yea because based on the discussions in January I thought I would be heading that up as the ‘go-to’ guy for social media.

*April 15*
BigVP: I want co-worker to handle all twitter posts so could you send her the login?

Yea, nice follow through there with your go-to guy. Not to mention that when co-worker comes to me asking for advice my response will be, “Don’t you know since you are handling it?” *snark*

Now this sounds oddly familiar.  I mean, you’re the “go-to guy.”  *Of course* you’re gonna help the newbie who probably commands a higher salary and “respect” even though that person obviously doesn’t have a clue to to wipe his or her ass.  But wait, it’s probably also *our* jobs to ensure a good ass wiping is “rectal-fied.”

I submit if someone’s hired to take over a responsiblity that I’d been during for a number of years, I’d gloat and grin and just point my finger and maybe even talk a bit, like so:

“See, there’s this website called ‘Twitter.’ And what you do is create a name.  It’s real easy.  Just go to the website and create a name.  What?  You don’t have a computer?? ::sigh:: Okay, just contact the XXX department and ask for a computer.  What do you mean you don’t have a phone?  Just email them!!!  You need a computer to send an email?  Sounds like you’re in a real fix.  Okay, when you get your email and computer, let me know and I’ll show you Twitter.  Twitter???  You never heard of it???  :::sigh:::  I’ll just let the VP know that you’re still working on it.”

(“Hey, where’d the new guy go?”)

Current Mood:  cranky

Here’s a story from the trenches we’re sure y’all will appreciate:

Why is it that in the last 30 minutes of the day I get tasked with 90% of my work load? For example, all day today I have pretty much been doing nothing so I have to find things to fill my time. Our office manager went home at 3pm which should guarantee that no no work comes in. There is three very low priority items in my queue so it should be smooth sailing to the weekend. Sure enough, at 4:30pm today I will get 10 new items in my queue from random people asking me to do projects due early Monday morning. Why in the hell are they sitting on these things until the absolute worst time to push them along to me?

In any case, they will all wait until I am good and ready to get at them. To quote Father Mulcahey from M*A*SH “If you hang onto a task long enough, eventually it will become someone else’s problem”

Ahh, yes, Grasshopper, I, and I’m sure, many a dear reader, can all relate with the dreaded “oh, by the way…” that always seems to bear its ugly head at 4:59pm when you’re due to clock out at 5pm.  Most of us think “awesome, something to look forward to” when we have a few low priority agenda items in our “to-do” queue, much like you mentioned, until we’re tasked with the “YOU-GOTTA-GET-THIS-DONE-NOW-OR-IT’S-ARMAGEDDON!!!”-type of request.  Of course, those usually happen on a Friday afternoon.

I can totally relate and appreciate your outlook.  Father Mulcahey’s got it going on and is absolutely correct!

While technically these aren’t “submissions” per say, they are, IOHO, pretty funny. So, that being said, we think we’ll devote a post on Fridays to other Grumpy Techs around the Web. If anyone has a grump they’d like to submit, by all means, please do so!

We came across this site called “Operators Standing By” which highlights the kind of verbal assaults a number of us would expect when working in that line of work. The site has long since been retired but the posts we’ve found there up that point are bloody hilarious! Here’s one example out of many that reminded us so much of one of our own posts, we just HAD to share!

I think I was on the phone with this customer for, quite literally, 40 minutes or more. His problem? He claims that he tried to cancel his service back in June, and he wanted us to give him his money back since that point. The contestable part is that there is absolutely no documention in any system that he ever contacted us to cancel, and by his own admission, he just left a voice message “somewhere” notfiying us. It’s pretty clear in their service agreement that to cancel we need written notification. Not only did the customer never contact us in writing about it, but after he left his voice message in the mythic “somewhere”, he assumed everything would be taken care of and left it at that.

Now maybe it’s just me, but when I want something taken care of, not only do I make sure I’ve spoken to somebody about an issue, but I also call back to ensure it’s being dealt with.

So now here it is, three months later, and his card had been declined during all this time because he’s also apparently inept at keeping up with his finances. So when the backed-up charges went through, he found is account drained. “I don’t have enough money to live!” he wailed at me, in a vain attempt to garner some modicum of sympathy. Even if I did care about this, it still doesn’t change policy, and whatever else the customer may think I’m there for, my first and foremost job is to uphold company policy.

As I said, 40 minutes going nowhere with this guy. He tried to get me to talk to my supervisor, I let him know that he had reached the highest level Billing person he could speak to. He then demanded that I page somebody, but didn’t seem to have a suggestion on whom I should page … again, not that I could, even if I wanted to. He just seemed oddly fixated on the idea of paging people.

Around and around we went:

Me: Is there anything else I can help you with sir?
Him: Yeah, you can give me my money back!
Me: We’ve already discussed that issue at length. We will not be refunding you any money. Is there another issue I can help you with?
Him: You can let me talk to your supervisor!
Me: That is about this issue, sir. Is there any other issue I can help you with?
Him: You can give me my money back!
Me: <sigh>

Finally, he asked for something else. “You can find out who listened to my voice message!” Eh? You want me to tell you who listened to a voice message that you left “somewhere” three months ago? Even if I could discover where you left said message, you then expect it to not only still be there after all this time, but to have somehow magically imprinted itself with the name of the person who listened to it? “Yes!”Eventually, I not only grew weary of the Moebius strip the conversation had become, but it wasn’t fair to other customers waiting in the queue that we might be able to help, and I told the customer that if I could help him with nothing else unrelated to this issue, I would be disconnecting the call.

Him: You can’t hang up on me. I’m not being abusive.
Me: Yes, I can, sir. I would rather not, but if you will not release this line, I’m going to have to.
Him: Don’t you dare hang up on me!
Me: Unless you have another issue that I can help you with today, sir, I’m going to hang up.
Him: If you hang up on me, I will bring this company down on your head! I’ll have your job!
Me: I’ll take that as a “no” then, sir.
Him: Don’t you dare hang up on me!
Me: Good night, sir. <click>

Oh, but wait, we’re not done yet.He calls back about 15 minutes later and gets another rep. He tries for a third time to get someone to give him his money back, and when that rep refuses also, he asks for a supervisor. But this time, he adds that the supervisor in question better not be me.

Laughing, one of my fellow supes had to step up to the plate. As everyone reading this should have gathered by now, he got no further with her than he did with me. After 20 minutes of bickering with the other supervisor, the customer proclaimed “Yeah, you two know just what to say, don’t you? You and Nikki must be lovers!” and hung up. I was in hysterics. Sure, that’s the logical answer to two supervisors telling you the same thing. There must be sex involved.

The cool thing about this post is that it includes two Grumps related to copiers. That’s right, our friends, two Grumps for the price of one.

The first:

OH (as in “overheard”): “Ewwww, what’s that smell coming from the copier room???”

Other person: “I dunno, I wasn’t in the copier room. Musta been someone else.”

GUFFAW!!! Like that one? Us neither.

How about this one… (and there’s no way we can make this submitted Grump up. We’re not that intelligent.) That being said, this one isn’t meant to offend anyone, especially those of the feminine persuasion. Oh, hell, who are we kidding? This entire blog can pretty much be offensive to anybody, especially those in the IT field. That being said, someone sent us the following quick note we found profoundly amusing. Maybe it’s because we were having one of “those” days ourselves when the stupidest things set of strings of giddy laughter. Either way, it’s kinda funny, we guess (is it? not? oh well).

“I was in the copier room one day which also doubles as the printer supply closet when a colleague walked in, made a face, took a whiff and ‘subtly’ stated ‘Damn, this copier smells like it’s having its period!!!!’ Well, I’ve been around some, umm, people that had an, oh boy, umm, ‘unusual’ odor about them and after I took a whiff myself and thought about it, determined that my colleague was, indeed, correct. Fortunately, I take it upon myself to be a bit more politically correct, not to mention, I’m not suffering from Tourette’s Syndrome unlike my esteemed colleague (although there have been many a times when I wish I were!). I merely smiled at my colleague and agreed, wondering if the next time I’d walk into that room, there’d be a box of tampons on top of the copier. Keep up the great work on your blog and thanks!”

So, there you have it folks. The next time you walk into the copier room, take a moment and pause. You never know what sour taste in your mouth might develop after doing so.