Grumpy Techs

To expand on this post, the one about our department head, aka the “big boss” decided that he was gonna have the CEO use a laptop with the symbol that looks like a fruit instead of the one with all the pretty logos.  The funny thing is that the BB is pretty much clueless when it comes to technology.  “Why is he the BB, then?” you ask?  Pray tell, Grasshopper, pray tell.

Well, the BB is actually out of the country for the next couple of weeks so one of my other coworkers (thank God I have other coworkers instead of just the curmudgeon) stepped in to take care of this conversion.  The person tasked with this “very important project” seems to be under the impression that I’m the personal lacky, i.e. this person will reap all the notoriety after I finish taking care of the conversion.  Here are a couple of points which confirms I’m generally the “fall guy”:

• The password was wrong.  No, I didn’t set this system up yet I’m, somehow, supposed to know what the original admin password.  Granted this is easy enough to crack but if I’m working in another building at the time this system is being established, *of course* it’s gonna be my fault when the password is incorrect.  After all, I’m the lacky!
• Most of the files are not converting properly from PC to Crapple format.  Well, duh.  If one is trying to convert a proprietary database file that only runs on a PC into the Crapple file format (actually, that’s a misnomer because no such file format exists in the first place), *of course* it ain’t gonna work.  But, hey, let’s blame that one on Grumpy Tech too because, after all, *he* wrote the original application in the first place! (If that were the case, I surely wouldn’t be working here.  I’d be kicking it with Richard Branson on Necker Island).

And here’s a little something extra (you *knew* I just *had* to bring up the curmudgeon!):

If one doesn’t understand how something works, rather than continuously arguing with me about it, you’re gonna get better results listening to me and then asking questions if you still don’t understand.  Trying to berade me will only help me realize how much *more* of an idiot you are.  I’ve discovered the deeper the attempted berading, the more ignorant the curmudgeon is.  Reverse psychology works wonders in these types of situation:  “yeah, you’re right.  I don’t get it.  I don’t understand.  Would you show that to me?  What’s a DNS server?”

Why is he reaching for his heart medication?

I figured I’m on such a roll with contradictions, I might as well throw another one out there.

Some time ago, I went to the Big Boss and informed him that I want the curmudgeon’s position when he either dies from old age or when he retires.  (He keeps mentioning the latter but the way he coughs and hacks, you’d think he has lung cancer.)  BB already had that in mind so whatever.  Got that covered.  I’m hoping to probably be running my own company when and if it comes to that point anyway but best to keep one’s duckies in a row, eh?

That being said, the three of us had a meeting today, i.e. me, the curmudgeon and BB.  Of course, the curmudgeon in his usually pompous, conceited and arrogant ways, made a strong suggestion that the BB start working on getting a replacement for him because he’ll “charge the going rate which is $120 an hour everytime you’ll call me when I’m retired.”  I couldn’t help but stifle a chuckle since, yes, “we’ll be doing exactly that, much like we did for the whole month you were gone last year playing with cows in Kansas or wherever you went” (I wasn’t paying attention.)  Of course, just as usual as ever, the curmudgeon is completely clueless about my abilities and the BB already having “someone” in mind.

That being said, I think I’ll start messing with the curmudgeon so he’ll realize just *exactly* how old he’s getting.  (“OMG!!!  WTF IS MY MOUSE POINTER MOVING BY ITSELF???” You know, that sort of thing.)

We had another fire drill today.  Actually, this one wasn’t such a big deal because it was pretty nice outside.  I just love Springtime when the birds start chirping and the air smells so fresh and… :::SCREEEEEECHHH!!!!!::: (Please don’t let me get all sickly bubbly like that again.)  Actually, it sucked going through that because I had a lot of work to do and it put me behind.

That being said, we made it outside and we’re standing around, waiting for the “all clear” signal when one of “the men” comes up and tells us to tell everyone to shut-up.  Maybe she (that’s right, I said “she”) felt like we looked like we’d be people our coworkers would respect and listen to.  Oh yeah, I should mention that I’m 5’6″ and weigh about 250 pounds (and them pounds ain’t from muscles).  So, thinking “why should I….oh wait….this could be fun,” I start walking around screaming “SHUT UP….SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!!!!!”  Of course, this prompted very nasty looks from “the man” who immediately started walking toward me.  Right then and there, she got the “all clear” so I moved into the lull of the crowd and managed to escape deep into the bowels of the server room where I managed to keep myself for the rest of the day.

I didn’t realize we had over 1,000 network ports in our switch core.  Wait, did I miscount?  DAMMMNIT!!!!

I guess I’m now in charge of the 10 year old LCD projectors that happen to lie around our company too. I really thought there was A/V person who handled all the equipment but apparently not. So, sure, I’ll take care of that too! (and the copiers and the phone system and cleaning out the recycling bins and replenishing the paper towel dispensers and…)

One of the “higher ups” came to me today and asked me if I knew where the remote control was to a particular projector she had to use for a “big presentation of utmost importance.” (:::sigh::: Aren’t they all?) I mentioned to her that I have no idea where it could have gone to which I received a big “WHY NOT???” I calmly mentioned that we simply don’t have the resources to post security personnel near every little piece of electronic componentry we have, however, we could, perhaps, hire a security company with roaming K-9′s if that would eliminate these types of catastrophes. (No, I didn’t.) She actually asked me to “go find her a remote,” to which I responded that that particular projector is the only kind we have and that I might have to special order it since they don’t make it anymore. And because THAT wasn’t good enough, I was met with a “I need you to go to Best Buy and purchase one and you have exactly 30 minutes to do so. Now, bear in mind that this “princess” came from one of the largest corporations in the region. I don’t know if she was fired or what but I sure wish someone would tell her that this isn’t the place to “move one’s cheese” nor “drink the Kool-Aid.” That being said, I merely chuckled and said that I don’t think Best Buy sells remotes for 10 year old projectors (sure they do; they’re called “universal remotes” but I wasn’t about to clue her in on that.) and that I’d look into ordering one for her tomorrow. With that, she huffed off looking for my supervisor.

I guess she missed her presentation. I wonder how the attendees felt about that.

Bosses. Most of us have at least one. Those of us that have more than one (present company included), probably wish they don’t have any. Those of us that don’t have a boss are probably better off being their own boss (again, present company included, although I have a boss [or more than one depending on the time of day]). For those of us that have a boss who’s not a moron and appreciates and understands your work, good on ya. For those of us who have a boss who doesn’t understand what we do so they leave you alone, that’s probably the most awesome thing. Okay, this is starting to get “positive” so enough of that.

I have a boss who is fairly nice but talks to my co grumpy tech and me like we’re a couple of little kids who sit around and play World of Warcraft all day long. I’m not five years old. I don’t need to go to the bathroom and I don’t need to wash my hands before I eat dinner. If I’m pissed off about something that caused me to work on something that shouldn’t have had a problem in the first place or if I need him to focus on what I’m trying to explain in layman’s terms because of his severe lack of technical acumen, quit making Barney jokes (seriously) and listen to what I’m saying. Reminded me of this conversation:

Me: “We’re going to begin upgrading our wireless architecture to 802.11n in order to allow more clients access as well as a higher level of speed. This should positively increase the user experience and allow more efficiency.”

Boss: “That’s great! Does ‘N’ stand for ‘new’ then? Because that would be really ‘neat’!!!” *stupid laugh*

Me: *sigh* “No, it’s the next letter that the IEEE simply chose for their next protocol. We’ll be moving from 802.11g to 802.11n. I’m hoping for minimal downtime, of course.”

Boss: “That’s great! [yes, the boss always starts his sentences with 'That's great.'] Sooo, we’re going from ‘g’ which stood for ‘great,’ right to ‘n’ which stands for ‘neat.’ Which is better here; ‘great’ or ‘neat’?”

Me: *sighing obviously now* “I really need you to focus. It doesn’t matter how the letters work. ‘N’ is better than ‘g’ because it’s faster, more secure and allows a larger number of users on it, increasing efficiency and productivity. Can we focus here?”

Boss: *craning neck* “Oh, look! Is that a bluejay outside?”

This entire conversation made me realize at that particular moment that the boss either: has an affiliation with Barney the Dinosaur or, has a severe case of ADD or, finally, has managed to snow everyone with his display of “knowledge.” I prefer to think the first reason is it.