Grumpy Techs

I’ve actually been out of the office for the last couple of days, attending a training course for upgrading Microsloth Server 2043 to 2048. The cool part about this is that the training drone is making excellent use of his Shakespherean ways whenever he emphasizes keywords in the instructor textbook he’s reading from. It’s awesome that he’s such a wonderful storyteller because there’s no way I could have read the book with such feeling and emotion exactly the way he is. Oh, and the labs match the virtual machine images nicely too. Everything’s just superb down to the lukewarm instant coffee that we pay $0.50 for a cup. I guess $1,500 for the course just wasn’t enough income to warrant a free cup of bad coffee.

Fortunately for me I’ve been the “dedicated employee” in checking my email to ensure I’m not missing any juicy gossip back at the office. I’m not sure, though, how that “issue with my laptop” email made it to the trash. Must be a problem with the webmail version of the server. I’ll have to look into that.

I did miss an interesting thread about an “upcoming project that involves deploying an in-house social networking initiative.” I guess I’ve been sick all this week in that the corporate higher-ups decided this is a “fantastic idea” and “let’s have the IT guys do this when they get back.” (BTW, my coworker is attending the same training so there’s no one back at the shop except for my Betta and he’s not really good with the keyboard. My coworker timed our both being out quite well!)

The email regarding this “awesome project” highlights how “wonderful and morally uplifting it’ll be for our employees.” I guess they failed to think about the time and resources involved in not only hardware and software but employee hours as well. Sure, having two people run a 500+ workstation, 20+ server supporting over 1,000 people environment is very much doable. Now we’ll add an in-house social networking platform much like Facebook and REALLY watch our productivity take off! I can’t wait to ask the question, when I get back, of “what kind of content are you going to put on it and how will it increase productivity if everyone’s playing ‘Google Meme’”?

:::crickets chirping:::

Every so often more than one piece of technology breaks at one time. Doesn’t happen all that much. (Can you sense the sarcasm here?) What’s really fun is that when more than one issue DOES arise at the same time, everyone expects the tech to fix everything, all at once, right now. That happened to me recently when two “very important” systems started acting up at the same time. Fortunately, I only had to deal with one person for both systems. Unfortunately, this person tends to overreact juuuuust a little at times.

Yet-Another-Person-Who-Thinks-Is-My-Boss (YAPWTIMB): “The library catalog system just went down along with the web server. I need you to fix them RIGHT NOW!!!”

Me: “Okay–no-problem–calm-down–we’re-not-launching-rockets-here. I can only work on one system at a time (much to one’s chagrin). Soooo which one do you want me to address first?” BBZzzzzTTTTTTTT!!!!! (That’s the sound of the YAPWTIMB’s claws coming through the phone and reaching for my neck.)

YAPWTIMB: “I dunno!!!! You’re the expert! What’s more important? Just FIX THEM DAMNIT!!!”

Me: “You’re asking me to tell you which one of your systems are more important? I’m sorry, but I’m not sure who your customers are so I don’t know which one you’d like me to address first.”

YAPWTIMB: :::thinking::: (I can almost smell the smoke this time.) “The library catalog. Fix that one first.”

So, I run down to the other building and get the terminal server that operates the three terminals that connect back to the main library catalog server back up and running. Interestingly enough, this creates a default IP address that doesn’t match our network’s IP schema so now my grumpy coworker is questioning what I did (he always does). I ignore him and run back to my desk to begin working on the web server that hosts a very simple static HTML page with links to subscription databases (actually, that whole setup warrants another blog post later on as it’s very amusing.)

Me to YAPWTIMB: “Okay, the catalog is back up. I’m working on the web server now.” (Now, bear in mind this particular server had been up and running for 10 years. This individual, along with our “webmaster” [thus the need for another post later on] were told numerous times that this server is on its way out. Of course, we kept getting the “we’re not worried about it” response. Fortunately, to CMA, I backed up this server before it finally died on this day.)

YAPWTIMB: “Good! Just hurry! We have thousands of people waiting on that server!!!”

Me: :::thinking “Thousands? Hmmm…two or three, maybe, but not ‘thousands.’”::: :::clickety-clickety::: “Voila!!! A MacBook running as a web server!” (No, dear readers, I’m not kidding here. What’s gonna be fun is when I unplug said MacBook to go war driving or whatever and no web server exists anymore!)

YAPWTIMB: “Thank you, thank you!!! You’re the best!!!”

Actually, the YAPWTIMB came in the next day with very lovely gift of appreciation so I can’t complain too much. Maybe I’ll start yanking some network cables and cause another “crisis” so I can get more presents.

Every so often we have these special “drills” ranging from fire to lockdown to “everybody freeze ’cause the vending machine is outta chocolate!” to whatever. Today was one of those days.

Now, you’d think that the company would have speakers throughout the buildings which would allow for announcements, etc. Nope; all that’s handled through the phones. Unfortunately, not all rooms/areas have phones, of course. That being said, I wasn’t at my desk nor near a phone when the drill went info effect. The cool thing is I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about it. I was wrong.

Another-one-of-my-bosses (or AOMB): “Ummm, where were you?? You were supposed to let all the employees on your floor know that we’re having a drill!”

Me: “Well, I wasn’t actually at my desk. I was in another building when the drill commenced.”

AOMB: “I don’t care!!! You’re supposed to let the other employees know something’s going on, even when you’re not here!!”

Me: :::suffering a double-blink moment::: “Umm, excuse me? You want me to wait at my desk when we have a drill so I’ll be able to tell my coworkers who should also know about the drill anyway that we’re having a drill?”

AOMB: :::slowly pondering::: “Yes, that’s exactly what I need you to do.”

Me: “Wow. Woooooow,” I thought.

(Now, the thing to remember, dear readers, is that this particular individual is perhaps just a little bit senile which often crosses many a coworker’s mind. It just happened to be my turn this time.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll make sure I’m here all the time then.”

AOMB: :::smiling from “winning” that one::: “Thank you.”

Here’s the kicker. If I’m to ensure all my coworkers are notified of a drill that they should already know about anyway, shouldn’t someone have initially assigned that responsibility to me instead of assuming it’s embedded into my DNA?

Needless to say, I made sure that all the phone speakers on my floor were set to full volume before I headed home that day. I remembered to bring cotton balls the next day too.

Every tech can relate with this one: “I need you to come in over the weekend as we’re having a big presentation and we want you to be here in case anything goes wrong.” When a tech is salaried, there are only so many excuses one can come up with to get out of it: “Ummm, I need to give my dog a bath.” “I need to vacuum my car.” “Gee, I was really hoping to sleep in this weekend as I spent every night this week until midnight on the Sharepoint server that you so desperately wanted to get up and running.” Nonetheless, whatever excuses might be tried, none work. Soooo, that being said, we come in and try to make the most of it. This happened to me one weekend, i.e. I got the statement above. Actually it wouldn’t have been that big a deal to me. But, as usual, the higher-ups just had to make it interesting enough for me to share another story with you, my dear readers.

I had proposed the idea of sitting at my desk which is directly above the conference room where the big presentation took place. Not only would I be nearby and accessible by cell phone, intercom, email, radar, sonar, pigeon carrier, etc., I could get some additional work done while waiting for the phonecall that would ask me to wipe the CEO’s ass. Not good enough. I was told I had to sit IN the conference room while the five hour meeting went underway. :::sigh::: “May I at least bring my laptop so I can work while sitting there?” I got the assumed response: “No. It could distract us.” Ahhhh, we wouldn’t want to have that, would we? By the way, how are those $5 danishes? Fortunately, we came up with a compromise: I would sit immediately OUTSIDE the conference room, that way if an “incident” happened such as a higher-up was struck by lightning and couldn’t remember how to turn on the LCD projector, I could quickly deploy and press the button. Whew, that would be AWESOME!! I’d get to show off my skills to all the higher-ups and they’d bow to my feet and call me “tech god”!!!! Yippee for me.

All that being said, I assumed the position of sitting just outside the room, at a table, like a guard dog. (I asked if I could have a bone and a bowl of water but got a confused stare in return.) Fortunately, I had my laptop to keep me happy while I surfed the web when it hit me. I could hack into the wireless projector in the conference room and make their presentation REAL interesting!

Unbeknownst to many, the conference room has microphones in it that are connected to a “screening speaker” in a small mixing closet right not to it. Fortunately for me, on this day, the mics were turned on, allowing me to hear everything that was going on. That, combined with my wireless project hack, I came up with some interesting footage for the higher-ups. I quickly lined up some “questionable” video and waited for the opportune moment. As soon as I heard a higher-up mention “rising costs and expenditures,” I (from my wirelessly connected laptop, mind you) shared some video of, well, “rising” appendages. The shouts of horror (“OH MY GOD!!!!”) and coffee spilling cups could be heard from the other side of the cinderblock wall (damn room must have been built as a bomb shelter). Back at my post, the higher-up that had me sitting at attention threw the door open and screamed at me to get in here because they “had a problem!!!” I calmly walked in and introduced myself to beet red faces and chest-clutching suits and ties. They pointed to the screen where the video (looping, of course) was playing. My jaw hit the floor in mock horror while I “scrambled” to shut the projector off, which immediately resulted in the elimination of the dabbing of foreheads along with sighs of relief and praises of appreciation. The funniest thing, I think, is that no one asked how that happened. I think they were all just so relieved that the “scandalous video” was gone. The big higher-up thanked me for “saving the day,” offered me a $5 danish and walked me to the door where I, again, assumed my post for the next three hours, quietly surfing the web.

Next on the agenda: Photoshopping the higher-ups faces in a group monkey shot when they talk about group policy and share pictures of themselves.

Someone “high up on the food chain” has a Blackberry. Now, we all know that’s not really all that unusual. I mean, there are KIDS out there with their own Blackberries, of course. But, one would think that someone with a bit of intelligence should have some idea on how to use a Blackberry, however, if not…just ask someone. One would think this would be the way to learn how to use it. Not in this case.

So, about 7:30 one evening I was working in the office on a project when I got a phone call from another “higher up” about the “big boss’” (BB; not for Blackberry but for “big boss”) Blackberry. Seems the BB simply didn’t know how to use it and was demanding a new one. That’s right, folks, a new unscathed, virginal Blackberry. Rather than initially giving in, I thought it might be an idea to gently educate the BB on the Blackberry (I may be grumpy but I know who signs my paycheck!). The other “higher up” asked me to come down to the BB’s office where I could give an overview.

On the way down to the office, I heard yelling. Yelling? Over a Blackberry? I thought they were supposed to HELP people. OMG, what was I thinking?? Needless to say, I walked into the office and was immediately inundated with a barrage of “morally uplifting” spewage about how “stupid this BB is” and “I thought a monkey was supposed to be able to use this!!!” (yup, not making that one up). Suddenly, because the BB didn’t know how to use the Blackberry, it was MY problem for this oversight, i.e. “How come you didn’t TRAIN the BB on how to use the Blackberry???” to which I replied, “hell, I didn’t even KNOW the BB was GETTING one!” (I learned later that I was also the Blackberry expert of the company. Guess I missed that memo.)

Trying to calm the BB down, I suggested that I take a look and see if I could help the BB simply learn how to use it. Not good enough. It was then “demanded” of me to go to the store that sells Blackberries (you probably know which store I’m referring to, dear readers) and get a NEW one to which I replied (mistake on my part) “you want me to get a new Blackberry to replace this perfectly working one?” After being hit with a big “YES, YOU IDIOT!” I walked out with Blackberry in hand.

On my way to the store, seething from the interaction that just transpired, I was determined to tell the sales rep to tell ME that they wouldn’t give me a new Blackberry for the BB simply because the BB was too ignorant to sit down and learn how to use it. Fortunately, the sales rep did exactly that. Now I had my ammunition to tell the BB that the multi-billion dollar Blackberry company wouldn’t give me a new one because our “little-in-their-eyes” BB simply demanded it. I also got the sales rep’s contact info and a “please have the BB call me if there’s a problem.”

So, on my way I go back to work (it’s going on 8:45pm now, mind you) to let the BB know what the rep said and to whom I also gave the rep’s phone number. Another barrage of verbiage to colorful to repeat here commenced until the BB finally ran out of steam to which I simply replied “will there be anything else?” In response, I was thankful and somewhat elated to get a defeated “no” muttered to me. Grumpy Tech, exit stage right.

Ironically I never did hear whatever happened to that event. I know the BB walks around with the Blackberry and has even taken calls on it in the midst of all-company meetings (the BB is “so cool!!!”) Perhaps my sales rep friend saved the day to whit I thank.

Now whenever someone asks me to add their email address to their brand-new, virginal Blackberry, I just smile and suggest they ask the BB for the BB’s experience of the Blackberry. Funny that they never come back to me after that.