Grumpy Techs

Our CFO prides himself on being computer literate, even going so for as to trying to convince The Curmudgeon and I that he worked in Corporate IT for a number of years (sure, perhaps as the dude that ran around replenishing the paper in the printers…come to think of it, sometimes that’s *me*…oh, the horror!!).  Needless to say, for a person who’s so “in tune” with technology, I got a kick out of an email he asked our HR person to send out.  The subject line was simply “Stand by for an important message by XXX XXX”  WTF is he, the President of the United States??

Wanting to have a little fun with this one, I called the HR person and asked him if the CFO’s email account was working okay.  She told me it’s working just fine but he didn’t know how to send a message out to everyone at once.  Totally understandable since every email platform is different, of course.  So I asked her if he typed in “Everyone” to the “to:” field.  She said it was….wait for it….too hard for him to remember.

And *this*, my friends, is why our CFO gets paid the big bucks (literally).  :::sigh:::

Current Mood:  irritated

I work with a very cool virtualization environment that starts out with the letters “VM” in its name and ends with something that rhymes with “hair.”  Get it?  Good!  Anyway, I imported a physical workstation in to the VM environment and was “pleased” to see that Microsloth kept running through it’s logging in sequence while it puked itself over the lack of a license key.  I kept waiting for the screen to spew green slime all over me while screaming “YOUCAN’TDOTHATONTELEVISION!!!”

Wanna see what I mean?  Exciting, ain’t it?

(with thanks to Doug Savage for his awesomely hilarious Savage Chicken webcomic.)

Ever have one of those days like the one above?  Reminds me of this time (no, not in Band Camp) when I received a “frantic” tech support call from this elderly gentleman who, ummm, let’s just say wasn’t “all there.”  It kinda went something like this:

Me:  ”Hi, Blah Blah, XYZ Company.  Me speaking.  How may I…”

Caller:  ”AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!  ::banging noises::

Me:  ”Sir?  SIR?????  ARE YOU OKAY????”

Caller:  ”WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUGONNADOABOUTTHIS????”

Me:  ::crickets chirping::  ”Ummmm, I’m sorry, Sir, but would you please elaborate?  I’m really not sure what you’re talking about.”

Caller: ::more banging::  ”MY PRINTER’S BROKEN!!!!  MY PRINTER’S IN PIECES!!!!”

Me:  ”Your printer’s in pieces?”

Caller:  ”WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?  I SAID MY PRINTER’S IN PIECES!!!!”

Me:  ::ignoring that comment cuz we were paid to do that, of course:: “Sir, please try to calm down.  How did you printer get in pieces?”

Caller:  :::breathing slowly returning to normal::  ”I DROPPED….::clearing throat::…I dropped it on the floor.”

Me:  ::more crickets:: “You dropped it on the floor…”

Caller:  ”Yes.  And it’s brand new and I know it’s still under warranty.  OHMYGOD!!!!”  ::falling noises::  ”OH SHIT….I NEED AN AMBULANCE!!!!  I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!!!!” (no kidding here, people; he really said that.)

Me:  ::thinking and realizing that this could be a Crank Yankers episode with Special Ed’s “I Got Mail” twist:: “Okay, Sir, please try to calm down.  I’m gonna see if I can get some help.  Please hold on for a minute.”  ::muting the phone and calling my coworkers over (hey, it was a slow night!)::

Caller: ::banging around and throwing expletives out with every other word::

Me: ::getting back on the phone:: “Sir, I need to ask you how this happened to your printer.”

Caller: ::focusing back on me now:: “IGOTPISSEDOFFATITANDDROPPEDITONTHEFLOOR!!!!”

Me: “You.  Dropped.  Your.  Printer.  On.  The.  Floor.”

Caller: “THAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID, YOU IDIOT!!!”

Me:  ::crickets…again:: “Okay, Sir.  Why did you drop your printer on the floor.”

Caller: ::expletives galore:: “BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T PRINT THIS PICTURE!!!  ::more subdued now:: I don’t think it liked me.”

Me:  ”You don’t think your printer liked you?  Why not?”

Caller:  ”Because…because it was a picture of a naked girl.”

Me:  ::mouth hanging open while listening to coworkers laughing their asses off:: “Sir, are you telling me you think your printer judged you??”

Caller:  ”Yes, yes, my printer JUDGED ME!!!”

Me:  ”Sir, ummm…I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you out.  Our warranty doesn’t cover customers throwing their printers on the floor because they think their printers judged them.”

Caller:  :::going off on a roll of cuss words::

Me: ::slowly punching the ‘disconnect’ button::

Now THAT’S a first.   Consider this a lesson, my friends.  The next time you have trouble printing pictures of your naked girly porn, be aware that your printer is probably judging you.

Current Mood:  cranky

Every once in a while The Curmudgeon and I need to come in on our off-hours, even on vacation days.  Just the name of the IT field.  I’m sure anyone working in this field can certainly relate.  Not a problem.  The fun part is when we schedule network downtime and *still* get complaints about it being down.  We can come in at 3am on a Sunday and someone will *still* complain that they can’t get to the Internet.  First of all, WTF are you doing here at 3am on a Sunday?  Go to an all-night coffee shop and grab your porn there.  Hell, most of the time those late-night shift workers know the best porn sites anyway.  (Cough, cough.)  Anyway, I digress.  Here’s my point…

About a week prior to performing big-time maintenance, we sent out a sickeningly sweet email to everyone, letting them know the network would be down for a day over a time when everyone was on a break (okay, *that* should give y’all an idea of what kind of environment I work in!).  No response from anyone.  The day prior to the downtime, we sent out a reminder.  Again, no response.  The day of, we shut the network down.  OMG.  Hell broke loose and the calls and bitching started coming in full force.

ICAN’TGETONTHEINTERNET!!!!

OMGOMGTHENETWORKISDOWN!!!!

HEYMYEMAILISDOWNANDINEEDTOGETTHISWORKDONENOW!!!!

Needless to say, it was kinda empowering, especially since we had a good idea of who was throughout the campus that day, even though no one but us was supposed to be there.

The best one, however, came when someone called me and said their printer was jammed and could I clear it out?  When I mentioned that we were working on the network and that printing wouldn’t happen until the network was back up anyway, the reply I got was “that’s nice but I really need to get this report printed.”

::sigh::

Such as the life of a Grumpy Tech.

Current Mood:  apathetic

We’ve been busting our asses lately trying to figure out why our 802.11n-based wireless network isn’t stable.  The manufacturer (rhymes with, ::cough cough:: the latter of “Monte Cristo” or the most awesome gunk used for greasing pans and…stuff, i.e. Crisco) can’t even figure out what the problem is.  We’ve updated all the client drivers (and with over 700 clients, that was a BIATCH!!) and tested the security settings on the controller itself as well as ensuring all the access points have the latest firmware.  However, we’ve concluded that, for just some reason, a form of metaphysicalness has beared its ugly head as evidenced here:

Now we ask you:  notice anything a little strange about this window?  Perhaps a contradiction of terms…

::sigh::

Current Mood:  grumpy