“Ummm, what’s that sound?”

December 2nd, 2009

(with thanks to Doug Savage for his awesomely hilarious Savage Chicken webcomic.)

Ever have one of those days like the one above? Reminds me of this time (no, not in Band Camp) when I received a “frantic” tech support call from this elderly gentleman who, ummm, let’s just say wasn’t “all there.” It kinda went something like this:

Me: ”Hi, Blah Blah, XYZ Company. Me speaking. How may I…”

Caller: ”AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!! ::banging noises::

Me: ”Sir? SIR????? ARE YOU OKAY????”

Caller: ”WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUGONNADOABOUTTHIS????”

Me: ::crickets chirping:: ”Ummmm, I’m sorry, Sir, but would you please elaborate? I’m really not sure what you’re talking about.”

Caller: ::more banging:: ”MY PRINTER’S BROKEN!!!! MY PRINTER’S IN PIECES!!!!”

Me: ”Your printer’s in pieces?”

Caller: ”WHAT ARE YOU STUPID? I SAID MY PRINTER’S IN PIECES!!!!”

Me: ::ignoring that comment cuz we were paid to do that, of course:: “Sir, please try to calm down. How did you printer get in pieces?”

Caller: :::breathing slowly returning to normal:: ”I DROPPED….::clearing throat::…I dropped it on the floor.”

Me: ::more crickets:: “You dropped it on the floor…”

Caller: ”Yes. And it’s brand new and I know it’s still under warranty. OHMYGOD!!!!” ::falling noises:: ”OH SHIT….I NEED AN AMBULANCE!!!! I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!!!!” (no kidding here, people; he really said that.)

Me: ::thinking and realizing that this could be a Crank Yankers episode with Special Ed’s “I Got Mail” twist:: “Okay, Sir, please try to calm down. I’m gonna see if I can get some help. Please hold on for a minute.” ::muting the phone and calling my coworkers over (hey, it was a slow night!)::

Caller: ::banging around and throwing expletives out with every other word::

Me: ::getting back on the phone:: “Sir, I need to ask you how this happened to your printer.”

Caller: ::focusing back on me now:: “IGOTPISSEDOFFATITANDDROPPEDITONTHEFLOOR!!!!”

Me: “You. Dropped. Your. Printer. On. The. Floor.”

Caller: “THAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID, YOU IDIOT!!!”

Me: ::crickets…again:: “Okay, Sir. Why did you drop your printer on the floor.”

Caller: ::expletives galore:: “BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T PRINT THIS PICTURE!!! ::more subdued now:: I don’t think it liked me.”

Me: ”You don’t think your printer liked you? Why not?”

Caller: ”Because…because it was a picture of a naked girl.”

Me: ::mouth hanging open while listening to coworkers laughing their asses off:: “Sir, are you telling me you think your printer judged you??”

Caller: ”Yes, yes, my printer JUDGED ME!!!”

Me: ”Sir, ummm…I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you out. Our warranty doesn’t cover customers throwing their printers on the floor because they think their printers judged them.”

Caller: :::going off on a roll of cuss words::

Me: ::slowly punching the ‘disconnect’ button::

Now THAT’S a first. Consider this a lesson, my friends. The next time you have trouble printing pictures of your naked girly porn, be aware that your printer is probably judging you.